How To: Unsuccessfully Sneak Beer Into The Dorms

We have all snuck illegal beverages into our dorm rooms before, but only the elite few can actually get caught in the act. Here is how it happens.

Step 1: Get Drunk

The easiest way to screw up even the most menial of tasks is to be wasted. Make sure you buy enough booze so that you can be drunk, and have enough left over to sneak in. Two thirty packs of keystone will do. Actually, better make it three.

Step 2: Forget your backpack.

If only you hadn’t left the man purse your mom got you for Easter in your dorm room, you could hide the beer in there. But, you don’t want to make two trips up the exhausting elevator and arousing suspicion. It’s OK,the lobby attendantis probably just as drunk as you are at 3 P.M.

Step 3: Pee in the elevator.

It’s going to be another minute and a half before you can get you the bathroom. That other guy in the elevator won’t mind. Go ahead and urinate on the emergency phone. Yelling “take that you red bastard” is not required, but is a plus.

Step 4: Visit your R.A.

If you go straight to your room it’s going to look like you are hiding something. He is probably not still mad at you for sleeping with his girlfriend anyway. Offer him a “cup of chill out” if necessary. If he refuses, offer the “chill out” in can form.

Step 5: Puke in the water fountain.

No one uses the water fountain anyway. A drain is a drain right? Toilets are where poop goes, not puke. That would be gross.

Step 6: Enjoy.

Congratulations, you made it to your room. Now is the time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. So, sit back, fire up the Playstation and drink that ice cold- “Crap”

Step 7: Forget to bring the beer.