10 Roommate Red Flags

If your roommate is smarter than a stealth-bomber, he’s taking just enough of your Double Stuf OREOs so that you don’t notice they’re missing. Little does he know, though, that we count every single fucking OREO before we put them back in the pantry. We’ve been around roommates that are cavalier about it and will scarf your Jiffy creamy peanut butter and then leave it out on the counter with their spoon erected in it like a flag pole. You can either look for a new flat-mate or put rat poison in your peanut butter…it’s really up to you.

You know the type. During the summer, he’d rather the apartment feel like a sauna than turn on the A/C and have to spend a few bucks on an electric bill. In winter, he demands that you wear long johns and parkas indoors so that heating isn’t necessary. Well, we suggest you put that cheap asshole out on the streets and then look for a midget roommate who is unable to reach the A/C control panel.

The only exception to this rule is if he has an iguana. Those things are badass and are a true staple of the “green” community. Anything else, though, like snakes and spiders, is just kinda creepy. The last thing I want to do is be worried about spiders and snakes in my bed every time one of my leg hairs twitches. I suggest you let your repti-phile roommate stick around just long enough so that you get to watch him feed a mouse to his pet snake and then give him his walking papers.

We can understand if your roomie leaves the occasional sock on the floor or a t-shirt on the bean bag chair in the living room.  But if he starts leaving out his shart-stained Fruit-of-the-Looms it’s time to say ‘Sayonora.’

We call this the Two-For-One special, because you get to axe the roommate and the girlfriend. And yes, even if he only fingered her, it counts. What doesn’t count is if you two were just casually hooking up. If you hadn’t officially sewn it up as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship then she was fair game. Don’t like that? Well, just remember this little saying: “What would our Silverback’d Forefathers Do?” At the end of the day, just thank your bro-code-violating buddy for exposing your girl as a slut and move on.

Check out 100RedFlags.com for some crazy girl red flags.