New Year's Resolutions: A Month Later

It’s February 1 already and, just like this time last year, you’re realizing you haven’t kept any of the New Year’s resolutions you made to yourself a month ago. You could decide that late is better than never, and start going to the gym this afternoon – but let’s be realistic: you’re a lazy piece of sh*t. If you couldn’t start your resolutions on January 1 when all your friends did during that brief window of collective motivation, what makes you think you can now?

No need to beat yourself up over the fact that you’re a failure, though. Instead, here are some excuses you can tell yourself:

Get In Shape: You probably made this goal out of feelings of shame, self-loathing, and body image issues. “Maybe if I lose the gut and the double chin, chicks will finally talk to me,” right? Guess what. It’s not your level of fitness that’s acting as a pussy repellent. Look at guys like Alec Baldwin, Rick Ross, Tony Soprano– those guys are obese and still get soooo much ass. Your love handles aren’t what’s stopping you from getting laid; it’s your personality. Remember, you’re not just fat… you’re a failure. You can’t even keep simple promises to yourself.

Spend More Time With Your Family and Friends: I know, you watched It’s A Wonderful Life and Scrooged on Christmas and realized how “important” and “valuable” relationships and personal connections are. “I should make time for the people that matter to me,” you said to yourself. Well, that’s what holidays are for, idiot! The reason you felt romantic about your family and friends was because you saw them during the holidays knowing, subconsciously, that soon the season would be over and you could be alone again. Think back on how often you have ignored or avoided your parents. There’s a reason for that.

Quit Smoking: You never thought you’d really do this, did you? “It’s bad for my health. Eventually, it’ll kill me.” Sure, but you know what else is bad for your health? Everything! So, why single out the one thing that makes you feel good and in control? The world’s probably going to end this year anyway, have some fun. Besides, if tobacco does lead down a road to death, at least you get one of those funny electric robot-voice box things along the way. That’ll be exciting.

Quit Drinking: Think back to when you made this decision. It was when you were really shitfaced and had just done something stupid that made you regret drinking that sixth shot. Right? Okay. First of all, if you hadn’t taken that sixth shot, everyone would have called you a pussy. You had to! And consider this: you made that decision to quit drinking when your judgment was impaired. So if you had sex with your best friend’s girlfriend two minutes before, and we know that was a bad decision, what makes you think this sobriety thing was a good choice?

Help Others: Help others? Really? What are you gonna do, hand out food at a Soup Kitchen? You can’t even help yourself, bud. No one should be dependent on you. After all, you don’t even have the resolve to run a treadmill twice a week. You’d probably just end up eating all the homeless people’s food, fatty.

Maybe you’ve already been telling yourself all this. “I’m sick of making excuses. This is a pattern. It happens every year.” And it’s self-fulfilling, too. You realize you’re a loser so you’re drinking alone and shoving down boxes of Hostess Snowballs compulsively. There’s a simple solution, then. It’s the easiest resolution to keep: Don’t make New Year’s Resolutions anymore.