Making an Enemies List

Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) punches you in the face and takes your Pumas.



And that’s why I need an enemies list: my Pumas are the sweet. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.



Following is a list of how to pick your enemies. Note they may differ from mine, but only if you want to make my list, in which case I’m on your list. And while you’re confused about that, I jump you with a paint can and take your sneaks. Street justice!



Lesson: The key to making good enemies is picking people who can’t possibly fight back, or otherwise don’t have the agency to hate you personally.

Example: “Hey asshole! That’s right, I’m talking to you, The Sun!”



Lesson: Again, “Can’t fight back” equals “You can’t lose!” Make sure your enemies don’t know they’re your enemies.

Example: “Hey asshole! That’s right, I’m talking to you, Marlee Matlin!” (See Appendix A)



Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.

Example: Make enemies with a paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter. That’s Costco-style hating. Plus, it’s not like it’s hard to get a paranoid schizophrenic to be wary of you.



Lesson: Just like in golf, a good follow-through is the key. If you’re serious about your enemies list, then hire a hitman to “git “‘er done,” as the man says.

Example: I can’t think of one, since most hitmen won’t take out a contract on Natural Causes, The Sun or Marlee Matlin. She’s just such an inspiring actress.



People sometimes ask me who the number one person on my enemies list is and I say endings


*Appendix A: She’s deaf. She is able to lip-read, but for the purposes of this joke, ignore that fact.



Eric Wang has a new column out, so check that. And also check out SUMMER because it’s like totally here.