Who Needs College More Than You?

The expression “youth is wasted on the young” is ridiculous. What would old people do with youth? Waste it on playing extra long games of canasta?



What IS wasted on the young is education – and, namely, a college education. Before entering college, I knew enough to get me through the world“”a strong grasp of computers, writing and just enough mathematics to work a cash register (at least one that uses calculus). But my grandma? She can’t even figure out how to use the remote control to her TV (she keeps pointing it at a newspaper and telling it to “clicker”).



Which got me thinking, who needs college more than college students themselves? Well, let’s find out:



1) Old People: As mentioned before, what these old timers don’t know could fill a library (maybe even the big one that’s behind the business school). Their classes would include: “Avoiding Telemarketing Scams,” “Electronics: Don’t Be Afraid!” and “65: The Speed You SHOULD Be Driving.” Sure, they wouldn’t be able to go to clubs (their brittle joints can’t handle dancing) and don’t even think about throwing a keg party (they’d be wetting their D’Pends for days), but on the bright side, they’d be learning how to be less annoying (sorry Nana Kaiser, but you kinda suck” keep baking me cookies, though).


2) Whores: It’s the world’s “oldest profession,” but prostitutes are still being managed by abusive and money hungry pimps. Let some whores take a few business and management classes and they’ll realize they could easily manage themselves without a pimp. And if a pimp tried to take his “bitch” back, all she’d need to do is get a bodyguard on her payroll. Sure, pimps would go bankrupt, which sucks” but the price of a blowjob would probably go down, so”



3) People Who Constantly Boast About Being Successful Without Going to College: That’ll shut up those smug, money-saving bastards.



4) That Bitch Who Works the Late Shift at Wendy’s: Here’s a course list: “Eye Contact: Do It Or You’re Fired,”“Simple Math, From Correct Change To Telling Time So You Don’t Close Early,” “How Not To Talk On The Phone While At Work” and “Give Me My Food” Now!



5) The Backstreet Boys: Gentlemen, well” it’s over. You’ve got this album out now, yeah, but this is definitely your last, and what are you going to do next? Nick Carter? You’re a little bitch who should be murdered” so I suggest you major in Comparative Literature. AJ, you’re the drunk right? Communications. And the other three guys are near-invisible, personality-less jerk offs” so any of the science/pre-med majors would do. Backstreet’s Back, ALL RIGHT!!



6) Mexican Immigrants: I mean, they’d probably be able to work better jobs and stuff. I feel bad for those little guys, is all.



And also people who are stupid and stuff. I dunno. Maybe I should go back to college myself. I bad sorta at write. And at jokes.