Like relationships and goals, pranks become exponentially more rewarding when executed over a long period of time. Here are a few long term practical jokes that you can play. These silly gags will work best on your little cousin who lacks a strong male presence in his life.



Jokesters, start your engines!



-Tell him that his mother has a rare form of cancer that gets worse every time he pees. Laugh along with the rest of your family as he develops a painful bladder condition.



-Before he enters middle school, tell him he's the only kid you know that can't blow himself. Watch as his flexibility rapidly improves and then his friends suddenly abandon him.



-When he's still young enough to have his baby fat, tell him that he was adopted.



-When he asks what happened to his real mother, say, "While she was still pregnant with you, you ate her from the inside out. That's why you're so fat" fatty" Keep calling him fatty once his eating disorder develops. (Pranksters take notice, this one works for girls too!)



-Tell him that his dislike of show tunes and halter tops is a sign of latent homosexuality. Go to his middle school talent show and chant rhyming homophobic phrases along with the cool kids while he sobs through a flamboyantly costumed rendition of "A Star Is Born".



-Tell him it's impossible to get a girl pregnant if you pee on her after sex. Watch as he spends his adult life paying child support to angry and slightly incredulous women.



-When he's very young show him porno starring women with male genitalia. Laugh as he brings a new girlfriend with male genitalia to each family reunion, never quite able to satisfy the fetish you planted in his brain all those years ago.



-Dress up like a priest and play with his penis. (Only becomes long term and rewarding if you do it often)



-Tell him that Chips Ahoy cookies are fortune cookies and that the part of the box that says: EXPIRES 12/14/05 is his fortune.



You can read more of Jack's work at Kill The Widow.



Matt Boor has a new issue of Ah College out today, so check that.



Now, hotlinks.