Blonde Myths

Do blondes really have more fun? Yes, of course they do. You’d have to be as dumb as a redhead to ask that question. Follow along as some myths about blondes are debunked.



MYTH: Blondes are stupid.

FACT: [Sound of author trying to eat own head] What?



MYTH: Gentlemen prefer blondes.

FACT: Gentlemen would fuck the blowhole of a porpoise, so long as the porpoise didn’t file charges. However, he would probably be fantasizing about a blonde porpoise the entire time.



MYTH: Girls who dye their hair blonde have to endure the same assumptions put upon real blondes.

FACT: Would that be the assumption that “your hair looks like a cheetah having sex with a pile of moldy wheat? Because it totally doesn’t, not even with the visible brown roots.” That is something your best friend would say to you as a gracious lie.



MYTH: Blondes only hang out in triumvirates composed of an additional redhead and brunette.

FACT: This is an old stereotype arising from tired jokes. It is no more accurate than, say, a horse walking into a bar, or me knock-knocking at your door.



MYTH: But you are knocking at my door.

FACT: To make fun of your ugly non-Scandinavian hair color, yes.



MYTH: Jeez, you’re pretty conceited.

FACT: “Conceited” means “good-looking”, right?



MYTH: Blondes really are dumb.

FACT: “Dumb” means “good-looking”, right?



MYTH: Blondes are simply idealized because of our media and cultural obsession with a Eurocentric conception of beauty.

FACT: Did you see how hot that chick from The OC is?



MYTH: But, Anglo-normative ideals”

FACT: Also, she has titties.



MYTH: Gosh, you’re right. I was wrong.

FACT: There, don’t you feel silly for asking all those questions? Guess blondes are a little smarter than you thought. I mean, I do get all A’s. Well, except for that one time I got a D. But it was okay, since it was on a hepatitis test. I totally broke the curve on that one.



1. Serra Bozeman contributed to this article.

2. This update has been brought to you by the funniest shirt ever.

3. Neel has a new OC column out.

4. Enjoy these hotlinks and get arrested this weekend. But not because we told you to.