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Things On My Mind

by ComedyJuice.com on

*Hockey would be more fun to watch if it was played by retarded kids.

*Girls, you can be ugly, you can be prude, but you can’t be both.

*Michael Jackson has bad taste in boys.

*The calendar is divided into months that have between 28 and 31days. Girls have period cycles that happen to vary between 28 and 31 days. Hmmm. Good thinking Calendar inventor. Easier to keep track.

*Do you think when God came into Mary, he yelled Jesus Christ and that’s how he got his name?

*Michael Jackson vs. Saddam Hussein in a no holds barred cage match. Who says justice can’t be fun. Just an idea.

  • Are we picking our wars reverse alphabetically starting with I? Are we going to skip Hungary?



    *Is there a hair club for bald eagles?


*Christina Aguilera got engaged before I did. That makes me feel dirty.

*If you bitched about how dumb FOX was for canceling Family Guy, you better be watching it now.

*I thought Jay-Z retired.

*What are male nipples for?

*Can you get carpal tunnel syndrome from masturbating?

*If you want to freak a bank teller out, just tell them that you’ll shoot them if they don’t give you all the money in their drawer.

*What if Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid hates apples?

*I can’t wait for “Desperate Househusbands: Miami”

*It’s not delivery, it’s Digiorno. Unless it is delivery.

*A business idea: If you sell pot, why don’t you also sell donuts?

Scott Richardson is the head writer and executive producer of National Lampoon’s “The Gleib Show.”
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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.