Christmas vs. Hanukkah - Lets Do This.

Jew-Ladies, and Gentile-men! Since the dawn of man, nay, since the dawn of TIME (magazine), December has pitted America’s two greatest holidays against one another. In one corner stands Christmas (or X-mas for short), and in the other stands Chanukkah (or Hanukkah for short). Each year the debate is made, but a victor has never been crowned. That is why today, on this very webular site, I have been chosen as a non-biased jewish arbiter (or judge for short) to decide once and for all which Holiday is the the GREATEST OF ALL TIME!



DURATION:



Chanukkah: By definition, Chanukkah is 8 times longer than Christmas.

That’s an extra WEEK of presents, dreidels, Jews, and gifts, and presents.

Christmas: 1 day. How fucking cute. Hey remember Christmas when you were 12? You should, it was only one day long. More like one day SHORT! Stick to praying, Christianity… Jesus Christ. LITERRRLLALAY!



POINT: CHANUKKAH (1-0)



SONGS:



Chanukkah: Umm… we got the one about the Dreidel… oh and a song or two about Judah the Maccabee. Sisqo’s the Thong Song makes veiled references to the Menorah (Baby make your booty go Dunuh Dunuh.) But other than that, not much.

Christmas: I know it’s been said, many times many ways, but these songs (jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell) ROCK! Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, N-Sync! Everybody wants to sing these timeless classics! I know that I can’t eat my morning chestnuts roasted on an open fire without thinking of that song about a partridge in a pear tree! On the first day of Christmas my true love would give me a CD! NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL RELIGION Vol. 12!



Point: CHRISTMAS! (1-1)



FOOD:



Chanukkah: You gotta love a holiday whose food requirement is anything fried in Oil. Potato Pancakes, Donuts, Donut Pancakes, Potato Donuts, Potancake Donut Cakes. Docake Potatancake Oil Cakes, Dopancato Pakes, Christian Babies. You name it, we eat it!! As long as you name “Dopancato Pakes.”

Christmas: I have NO idea what eggs are, and I sure as hell have no idea what nog is. I make it a point not to drink anything thick and yellow. What’s that? Egg Nog is a drink, not a food? Ha ha ha, groveling will earn you no pity points Christmas….



Point: CHANUKKAH (2-1)



MOVIES:



Chanukkah: Lets see, there’s 8 Crazy Nights… Um… Does Schindler’s List count?

Christmas: Home Alone 1, shame on you. Home Alone 2? Shame on me.



Point: CHRISTMAS (2-2)



WHAT WOULD JESUS DO:



Chanukkah: Jesus celebrated Chanukkah. He was pretty good at dreidel but his potato pancakes were a little dry. You shoulda seen the expression on his face when his mother ate his latkes! LOL!

Christmas: Jesus didn’t even know about Christmas when he was alive. Unless you think he’s alive in all of us today, in which case you’re wrong, he’s not.



Honestly, he isn’t.



POINT: CHANUKKAH (3-2)



SONGS:



Chanukkah: Yah I still got nothin.

Christmas: STILL enjoying them!



POINT: CHRISTMAS (3-3)



IT’S A DRAW! Or as I like to call it: A Drwanzaa! Thats right, there is a third party candidate we didn’t take into account and that’s Kwanzaa.



Kwanzaa was started at UCLA in 1961 by the military to help them communicate electronically. Today over 3 billion people around the world are online and chatting in different Kwanzaa rooms and using Kwanzaa to buy their gifts online. Consider yourself smarter. Because you can’t pronounce EDUCATION, without the JEW!



Speaking of the Jew, have you guys clicked on every single hotlink yet?