Admit it: you're bored right now. Why else would you be going to random websites and, more importantly, actually be reading this stupid article? The only explanation is extreme boredom" or you're multitasking by doing your research on who to vote for while looking at naked girls. Either way, I've got some advice for you on how to either liven up your college life or, at the very least, keep from dying while at college. So, without further ado, here are some rules (original, I know) for the college student.



1. Do: Special Olympics. My suitemates and I have decided that, in order to bring some excitement to our room, we should hold weekly Olympic Games. Our inaugural event was the "who could take the most poos in a week," which didn't fail to bring out crappy performances in everyone. My one roommate, Conor, had 19 in one week, officially shat-tering the rest of the competition. Hahaha holy crap, a pun! Haha oh man, another one! Haha" .oh wait, that last one wasn't a pun.



2. Do Not: Do laundry more than once a week. Don't be that guy who is always taking up seven washers and dryers every time I go to wash my one stack. It's like he's Ron Jeremy with the amount of loads he can knock off in one session. Learn to be resourceful (a.k.a. A dirtbag) and make the most out of your clothes. One tried-and-true method is the ol' "flip the underwear inside out and wear them again." The one downside to this tactic is that it tends to scare off girls" but, seriously, that's not a bad thing. If you were to meet a girl who thinks it's a good idea, and you two got married, your kids would be crawling around with crap on the outside of their diapers.



3. Do Not: Light your room on fire. This may seem like an obvious rule, but I'm serious. The other night I was reheating an eggroll in our toaster oven and – to make a long story about as long, but not quite – it caught on fire. Luckily I was able to put it out before any fire alarms went off. I guess that was the one bright side to come out of that whole ordeal. Well, that, and the fire.



4. Do: Wear sandals in the shower. On the outside chance you didn't know, the showerhead shoots water out of it not so it can help you wash the soap off your body. No, instead its primary use in college is to (A) wake up your passed out friend as he is laying in the tub or (B) wash away the puke and piss after your passed out roommate spends the night in the shower. Not wearing sandals while taking a shower is like neglecting to bring a parachute when skydiving.



5. Thou Shall Not Kill. Oh my bad. I'm getting this article mixed up with my theology essay.



6. Don't: Drink. Haha wow that was the best joke I've made so far. This is one of the few times you will actually hear me support anyone or anything named Busch.



That's all. To be honest, that's all I really feel like writing right now, which really displays the number one governing body in college: laziness. In fact I'm so lazy, I don't think I'm going to fini



1) Good news! Steve just got nominated for "Best New Face" by Two Drink Minumum magazine. So e-mail them with the subject line "Awards Don't Mean a Goddamn Thing" and tell them you want Steve Hofstetter for Best New Face and show your support. Word.



2) Neil has a new column out called "A Can't-Miss opportunity." So check that out.



3) This update has been brought to you by The Big Shocker. Because football wasn't dirty enough as is. Now, hotlinks…