International College Life

With the whole war on terror thing and the elections coming up I decided it was my civic duty to seek out some college students from all around the world. I asked an American, an Iraqi, a Frenchtonian, and a Canadian to keep a journal during their time at college so we can actually see what it’s like all around the world. Yeah, I know it’s the coolest thing you’ve ever heard of, and it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever done (unless you count the time Sammy Davis Jr. and I did three lines of coke off some Portuguese midgets’ asses). Either way, here we go.



The American


My Journal,


Well, today was one of the worst days of my life. I am not j/k. My girlfriend broke up with me and right after that my pooka shell necklace broke in two. Everything is breaking up all around me!!! I don’t know what to do. Not too long after my necklace broke daddy called me up and asked if I wanted to play polo with him. I couldn’t go because I had squash at three. I wish I was never born at all! I don’t even feel like going wine tasting later. At least I have you journal. I think I’ll call you Thadius. Yes, that name is noble and demands attention. I wish my name was Thadius, but I guess Todd Anus isn’t that bad. It is a family name. Maybe tomorrow I won’t be so depressed. For tomorrow is a brand new star and a brand new Friday. I’m going to get all my classes out of the way in the morning so I can go to the big frat parties later on. Last Saturday night I met the most beautiful women in the world. Her adam’s apple went on for days and her legs were as pale as the paper I right on this very moment. I think I shall ask her to marry me. Oh, the raptures of college life!!



The Frenchtonian



To my Dearest Journal,


Oh, my wee journal that I hold in my cold, hard hands. I loathe you!!! I loathe the world” “ .for I am French. Today after classes I decided to go get a quick bath in the wine fountain outside my dorm and I begin to think. I thought of many things one speculates while cleaning oneself in wine. I wondered what its like to not have a moustache. I bet you a franc it feels like taking cigarettes from a baby. I also wondered what it would be like to drive a compact car instead of a miniature compact, and then I quickly came to my senses and realized my bicycle could hold much more groceries than both.



School is the best thing I have ever had to endure. The parties here are incredible. On Saturdays my friends and I all get together and go to cafes. There we speak of poems and begin to stage mock revolutions to obtain are captured comrades from the Bastille. I have never had so much fun, except, of course, for the time I called for reservations at the local bistro yet never arrived. Ha! Ha! What a hellion I am.



The Iraqi



Dear scrap of paper I found under a rotting corpse,



Well, today has been better than the others. A supply crate came with some pudding cups. Would’ve helped if it didn’t land on that guy, but at least I got some warm chocolate goodness. I think what made this day truly special was the fair we had. It was a glorious sight to behold. My next door neighbor came out and sold some of his sand he has been trying so hard to grow (and people said it would be hard to rebuild!). We even had a few rides that we all got to go on. Jimmy Akhmadteev brought out an old wheel he’s been keeping for a special time. We put a stick through the middle and rode it around a bit. Too bad Todd Ikmehilabenakdi had to ruin it all by going on the mine (what a party pooper).


I know what you’re all thinking, “All they do over there in Iraq is have fun. They should call it Funville!” Well my friend, its not all fun and games. In college we really have to buckle down and study. Why, just yesterday Mohammed Smith got a chunk of his back taken out because he forgot to put his name in the LEFT top corner of his paper. That Smith is always getting chunks of himself taken out! I must admit, we do have some fun in college too. I saw a girl yesterday that took my breath away. Then when they extracted the bullet that she put in my lungs, I asked if she would like to go out and find a bite to eat somewhere. She said yes and I think this could be the real deal!! College really is a great time!


The Canadian



To My Pollutant Free Journal,



Today was a magnificent day! The air is clean and the ground is nice enough to eat off of. Why earlier today a young fawn came up to me and ate a tuft of grass from the palm of my hand. After that, I lied on the ground and three rabbits showed themselves and tickled me with their silly whiskers!!! There was one sad moment. My friend Bill cut his hand open while building a handicap ramp for the local elderly orphans with disabilities. He lost two of his fingers and had to be rushed to the hospital. They quickly reattached it and we were all so very happy that it didn’t cost him a single cent. Can you believe that that type of surgery can cost a person thousands of dollars in some countries?



I went to some of my classes today as well: Being Nice 234, How to Incorrectly Pronounce the Letter “O” 101, and (my history class) How to Collect Pelts 320. All my professors are the nicest people in the world. In fact, they’re made entirely out of candy and magic. The get-togethers we have here are classic. Last Saturday we all had a giant frat wide sock hop/ book reading. These really are wild times.



Dean has a new column out today so go read that, friend. Also, mucho gracias once again to MagazinesForCheap (Maxim and Stuff for $10/year guys) for sponsoring this update. Now, enjoy these multicultural hotlinks.