I'll admit it. I'd never been in a hurricane until just a short while ago when Charley smacked the bitch we call "Florida" up. Trees shredded like confetti and strewn around like the Magic just won the NBA Finals, and their team colors were Green and Forest Green.



Yes, I came away from the whole ordeal unscathed, for the most part, except for a 10 Commandments-esque scathing of practical suggestions on how to make it out of a Type 4 twirler with ease!



FILL YOUR BATHTUB FULL OF WATER SO YOU CAN PEE IN IT: This is probably the most important thing you can do. See, if the power goes out, your not going to have any light during the night time, and if you don't have light you can't see the toilet, and if you can't see the toilet you're going to spray your excretions wantonly across the bathroom! By filling the tub, you're creating an ocean-like environment in which your body messes have a much better chance at finding their way home to the local wildlife preserve.



COVER EVERYTHING YOU OWN IN PLASTIC: Science tells us several things. 1) Plastic is made of shiny atoms 2) Shiny atoms repel water 3) Water is the natural enemy of solids. Using the simple Scientific Method formula, we discover that Science is telling us that in the event that water falls from the sky, we should cover all of our "solids" (for example, televisions, bedrooms, babies, microwaves, and supple veggies) in plastic! This will keep the deadly water from melting through them when the roof is torn from the ceiling and nothing is left of your domicile but an empty, miserable shell!



CALL YOUR PARENTS AND LEAVE THEM A MESSAGE SAYING YOU"'RE ALREADY DEAD: This suggestion is possibly the most valuable thing you can do. It accomplishes two things; the first being that your parents will no longer worry about you in the storm since you've made it PRETTY CLEAR that you're no longer among the living. Along with this, you're a ghost that can use a phone, the best sort of ghost there is because you'll leave their home alone and just make the occasional call during important holidays and sporting events.



EAT AS MUCH FOOD AS YOU CAN: If you lose power, you're going to also lose the ability to keep your precious food stock cold. This will result in lots of liquidy yogurt and chunky milk and mayonnaise. You've got a set of choices; throw it all away, or eat everything you have and pray to the gods of cookery that when you eventually vomit, it'll still be icy cool and delicious.



DRESS UP LIKE A TREE BEFORE YOU GO OUTSIDE: While this one may seem like the most outright silly, it's actually equally valid. You see, trees are very communal creatures. If they see one of their midst topple to the ground, it's only a matter of seconds before they themselves crumble to the earthy mat. However, if they see one of their own traipsing around a parking lot, carefree and full of joy, it'll buck up their resolve to stay planted firm. You see, trees are notorious fun-hating assholes.



So, now you're just about as well-informed as you can be! However, I know you're saying "BUT JUSTIN DON'T YOU USUALLY SHAMELESSLY SHOW ONE OF YOUR VIDEOS IN YOUR UPDATES?" Why, yes I do! (16mb wmv)



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