Sensei John Kreese of the Cobra-Kai academy once said "Mercy is for the weak" (although, judging from his hair cut, perms are perfectly okay for the strong). We, the wee children watching the Karate Kid were supposed to take from this that the Cobra-Kais were evil and that every problem can be solved by a (pedophilic?) Asian Man.



For a long time I bought into this. I listened when Mr. Miyagi implied that you learned karate for defense, not to beat the shit out of people smaller than you (or to impress Elizabeth Shue). I took it to mean that to succeed in life (to say nothing of the Tri-County Karate Tournament) the strong must protect the weak and "Take the Higher Path."



Bullshit!



I've listened to Mr. Miyagi and his ilk for too long! It's time for somebody to stand-up and say that "Taking the Higher Path" is the biggest lie foisted on children, topping even Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the existence of good-looking lesbians.



Let's break it down in Karate Kid Terms:



Sensei John Kreese: Successful businessman with cool black karate outfits and a legion of teenage assassins ready to do his every bidding. Also, great hair. Though not shown, we can probably assume he's constantly getting blow-jobs from floozies right in the driver's seat of his smoking hot Camaro.



Mr. Miyagi: Had J.C. Penny Belt. Also, no hair. Supposedly happy in the non-material Buddhist blah blah blah way.



Mr. Miyagi is the choice that the movie, our mothers, and our girlfriends say is the better path. He's the voice telling you not to hit your jerkoff RA with an aluminum softball bat. He's the second thoughts you have about telling your "best friend at work" that your mulatto boss likes to be called "Halfdingo." Mr. Miyagi is the guilty conscience nagging at you to donate your precious blood to save the life of some snotty brat you never even met before.



Okay, maybe you should give blood, but you get my point. Fuck Mr. Miyagi. Sensei John Kreese is the choice that deep down we all want to make. Indeed, it's the choice that all red-blooded American men should make.



As you get older and wiser, there will be a great temptation for you to settle down and start "Taking the Higher Path." Age and the testosterone-sucking vampires we marry have a tendency to mellow out that angry little boy that lives inside all of us. But to give up anger is to give up any hope of success.



Let's face it: all success is driven by the need to make other people feel bad about themselves. Happy people sit around in their living rooms writing little love notes to one another. Angry, pissed-off people are working out or pulling an all-nighter or starting a meaningless war in the Mid East. Angry people get ahead in this life.



I was reminded of this on a personal level just recently. I'm a stand-up comedian (jayblackcomedy.com if you want to see me perform) and a group of hit-ass comics from my hometown have recently said some negative things about me. I was very tempted to simply bow and trim some bonsai, but then I remembered: Mercy is for the weak. So I'm getting a perm, putting on a sleeveless shirt, and I'm going to get so goddamn successful they'll all be begging me to allow their mothers into my personal hand-job harem.


Anger is my motivation and it should be yours. Don't let Mr. Miyagi tell you any different.



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