First of all, let me just say happy summer. Rock it. And yes that means I want to meet you at the nearest Hard Rock Cafe for Bodacious Boneless Chicken Wings, free buttons for my jeans jacket, and a tee shirt that will serve as a beacon signaling to all that yes we've been to the coolest place in whichever particular city we congrerock in. I'd write congregate, but a) I'm talking about the Hard Rock here, and b) the only gates I want to see are the pearly ones with all my ex-girlfriends on the other side pointing and laughing as I topple down into Hell's warm, knowing glow. Second of all, let me just say DO NOT LIVE AT HOME WITH MOM AND/OR DAD THIS SUMMER.


This far into the season that in three years will mean absolutely nothing to you, I hope you are NOT living with ma and pa whatever your last name is. I'm sure that if you have made that horrible, horrible mistake your current away message reads something hilarious like, "ending it all" or "goodbye forever" or "if anybody calls, I was nowhere near the Conservatory and had absolutely no access to that candlestick." My parents are cool. In that if I am home for more than 3 hours, my father will yell at me to find a job or get the hell out, and my mother will accuse me of being "on grass." The irony of my cash heavy marijuana dealing job is not lost in that house I'll tell you that.



Let's just say I do not live at home. But there were summers where I thought I had to bite the bullshit bullet and live with the strange, awful people that gave me my first birthday present, life. And not the funny DVD starring Eddie Murphy, Martin, and Bernie Mac learning to be black in an old timey prison. So if you are trapped in the room you first masturbated in, let me help you out friend.



INVENT A INTERNSHIP YOU GOT. That's right. Lie. Tell mom and dad you got a sweet intern gig in whatever your related field of study is, and that although it doesn't pay, it is a really great learning experience. They'll be so proud of you for seeming to care about more than just where you're drinking tonight, that they'll actually give you the money which will provide those very drinks. The fake internship is the ultimate way to continue your money-grubbing do-nothing lifestyle, and keep the 'rents happy and quiet and ATM-like. All you have to do is talk about all the great contacts you're making, and say stuff like, "I don't know what they'd do without me here."



Now that you have your career straightened out, you need somewhere to rest your head. I know a guy who for 2 straight years stayed over at a different place for no more than 3 nights per pad. Impressive. That is achievable, but not necessary. All you need to do to find a place to call your own, is to show up at a friend's with a case of beer. By the time you get to the bottom of the box, your new roommate will forget that he agreed to loan out his couch to you for the weekend, week, or what have you. Also, it's a lot easier than you think to hide in a public library or museum until after closing. I must warn you though, that shit gets real spooky real quick. Very few public libraries or museums AREN'T haunted.



Okay, you've got a job and a roof over your head, it's time to settle down and find you a girlfriend. No problem, sugar! Just head down to your local video store and camp out in front of the stupid girl movie section and wait for all that desperate damaged rebound pussy to come in looking for Clueless, Pretty Woman, and some other title that describes exactly what it is you're looking for. If you have a pint of Ben & Jerry's you better also have a pint of prophylactics.



I hope I could help in some small way, and let me just add this… if you want to feel really good about yourself go to a waterslide park immediately. 90% of the people there are 90% fatter than you. You can walk around those places feeling like a Greek God, or a superhero, or better yet a supergod named Greeky Slidalopolis. And those joints practically beg you to hide out until after closing. Then it's just you, sexy wet ghosts, and tube rides baby. Tube rides!

This update has been brought to you by the numbers 69, 420, and guys who wear their collars up.



Steve has a new Observational Humor out today called "Harder Than You Think." So rock that and double-rock these hotlinks…