You are at your favorite drinking establishment and you've met a woman who wants to have sex with you. Those Rick James impressions really paid off! Run the Gauntlet of Poon! Ditch her friends and get you some sweet, sweet poo-nanny! This may sound easy to virgins, but to well-seasoned veterans nothing is harder (well maybe some things heh). To get some much deserved rest and recreation with your new lady friend you've got to hurdle three obese obstacles in your way. Their names are Mildred, Wanda, and Frances. The first step is to get your buddies on the bandwagon, or "ho train" if you prefer the scientific name. You've served your time. You've jumped on many a grenade for your friends. You've got enough Purple Hearts, Disgusting Service Crosses, and Medals of Gonorrhea to fill Courtney Love's bunghole. Sadly, your flawless grenade jumping record will get you nowhere with your foggy minded bro's.



First, make your friends aware of your overwhelming urge to get the hell back to your place. Check to see that your one-night stand passes inspection. If she does you can count on the help of your friends, however if she does not get a passing grade you have some soul-searching to do. How badly do you want to get some? Are conjoined twins a turn-off or a turn-on? Assuming she passes inspection with your drunk friends, your next step is to lower their standards even more so that her friends are palatable (literally). Point out that Mildred's not really 16 (in dog years she's much older), and Wanda's fat rolls are filled with treasure! Frances is probably so desperate for sex that she'd do things that are illegal in the lower 48 states. Once you have your wingmen's written consent to reach 2nd base with their assigned girl it is time for you to move to stage two.



Propose that you all meet up at IHOP around 3am for pancakes. Even though it's only 12pm, you and your lady friend should probably head out now so you can be on time for the casual sex you are about to have. The three anchors might not be thrilled about splitting up, so be prepared to suggest other options. Her pudgy friends aren't biting for the IHOP bait (surprisingly) and your friends are sobering up. It's only a matter of time until they're standards rise once more like a giant blue-balling phoenix. What you need here is a draw. A draw is something in your apartment that "draws" girls to it. A draw can be a pool table, a home-theater system, or a dartboard. If you don't have any of the previous items be creative. Using a cardboard box and some string you can make exactly jack-shit. Have fun jerking-off tonight!



Assuming, you have lured the girls to your place you can safely begin closing the deal. I highly recommend lying. Blushingly tell the three anchors how cool you think their friend is. The news of how you are really interested in your one-night stand as a person will filter down to her. Because you didn't say it directly to her your story is more believable. Of course, her friends will question your friends during the night for one last reassurance. Reward your hell bound friends with pot for lying. Now for the most awkward part of the night, giving everyone the slip so you can be alone. Sadly, there is no technique for this. Lie your ass off. Tell them you are going to the bathroom together. Tell them you are going to show off your pet rock collection. Tell them anything, but don't expect them to believe it. If you are lucky you can get her upstairs without being chided to use a condom, or to buy more Herpecin tomorrow. With any luck you'll both wake up sore in the morning!



Anyway, cheers to everybody done with finals. And for those who aren't, here are soem hotlinks to keep ya entertained. Or if you're feeling saucy, here's a random site generator robot. Peace!