Any man who is honest with his penis will admit that the Disney Princesses are hot. In fact, since they are animated and therefore hotter than the limitations of physics will allow, they are super hot. I've gone ahead and ranked the most well known for you. Feel free to skip down to the hottest, I certainly would.



9th. Mulan: Some girl who could get away with being a man, and she actually sounds hotter than she really is. That's why she was forced to hang out with some shitty dragon voiced by the even shittier Eddie Murphy.





8th. Quasi Moto: I put him as second to last just to reinforce how much Mulan sucks.









7th. Pocahontas: Kind of cute at times, but she was a little too tall, and MUCH to whiny about the environment. Boo hoo that your entire world is dying because of the evil white man, nothing new there. Plus her jaw is much more powerful than mine is, big no no.





6th. Snow White: Snow White was the fairest in the land, and I suppose by that they meant she was almost as hot as Dopey the dwarf. As you probably could have guessed, the whole dwarf situation with her kind of freaks me out. Her main problem was that she was made way before the concept of "attractive" was invented.



5th. Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty: Lets face the fact, they are pretty much the same person. Both were taken directly from the Nazi's hand guide to perfect Aryan women. Sure, Sleeping Beauty gets a point because all you need to please her is a sloppy kiss, and Cinderella gets a point for being able to cook and clean, but that's about all there is to them. BORING.



4th. Alice (in Wonderland): Alice is really cute and all, but she's a little too young even for me. Ha ha ha, just kidding. She did a lot of drugs and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. Sure, it made her less able to understand what you were doing to her, and she surely had a huge supply all the time, but I don't want to be dating Ozzy Osbourne. Something tells me that snuggle time with her just wouldn't cut it because she would be too spaced out. And what about when I wanted to talk about my feelings! Sorry Alice, you should have just said "no."



3rd. Belle: Belle is definitely hot, and I kind of dig the outfits she wears. She also has a very curious and nerdy nature about her that I really can appreciate. But when it comes to her taste in men lies the biggest enigma. At first I thought she had the best taste in men because the beast is obviously the man. But then I thought, wait a minute, the beast is THE MAN. I mean, he must have stretched her from here to next tuesday. Not only would you not feel anything, but you would probably fall in. So, I admire her for taking on the challenge of the beast, but there's no way I'm taking on the challenge of living up to the beast. Plus the talking/singing dinner ware would make me want to die.



2nd. Ariel: Undoubtedly a babe. Some people will be mad that I put her as second, but a lot of thought went in to figuring out who should get second and first. There are many factors to look at. First of all, she is fucking fucking hot. There is no denying that. Especially because during most of the movie she had a mouth but couldn't talk. Amazing potential. Also, she was running around naked for some of the movie and didn't seem to care. Another brilliant plus for her. She was a red head too, which I think is kind of exotic. But there are also down sides, for instance, she has horrible taste in men. Eric was a complete douche bag – especially for a sailor. He didn't even have a peg-leg or anything. Another problem is you'd have to spend so much time telling her how to do stuff like use a fork. Oh, that was a cute scene at first when she tried to use a fork to comb her hair, but after a few years of showing her how to open doors and stuff, you'd be pretty pissed off. Originally the good stuff is so damn good that she was a shoe in for first until I remembered one last thing – her dad. King Triton. The guy is about 9 feet tall, pissed all the time, hates humans, and is king of the entire fucking ocean. At least when a regular dad walks in on you and your girlfriend with his rifle, you can try to run away and try to take the bullets in the ass. But if Triton ever catches you shacking up with Ariel he'll send an armada of sharks surfing on a tidal wave to smear your sorry ass. And you know he'll always send fucking Sebastian to watch you guys. Sorry Ariel, but that knocks you down to number two.



1st. Jasmine: Here she is, the hottest cartoon babe ever made. First of all, Aladdin is a pimp, so she has good taste in guys. She is obviously hot, but her arabian slanted-but-not-too-slanted eyes make her ridiculously hot. Also, she wears the hottest disney outfit where the strap is always about to fall off of her perfectly animated boobs. She is bound to let down her guard sooner or later and let it slide all the way off. Also, thinking about fathers in law, the sultan is the best you can possibly do. Short, fat, jolly, and totally clueless. If he walked in on you two he probably still would have no idea what was going on. Plus there is that scene where Jasmine is coming on to Jafar. OH MY GOD. And that outfit she wears when she is his sex-slave. HOLY SHIT. aiygo8q2vfajw. I can't even write anymore. Jasmine = number 1.



Despite all of their rankings, every single one of these ladies has a do-ability ranking of 100%. (Except Quasi Moto, who is roughly 105%). The best part is that all of these babes are about 13, so just having read this article puts you on the sexual offenders list. Congratulations.



So, a few things. First off, RealStupid News' contest for an Onion-Style college columnist is still open here. So if you have what it takes, go for it. Also, Matt has a new "Ah, College" column out today called "What's this puddle?" So check out those. And then dominate these hotlinks. Peace!