Cause: Thinking your life might improve by going someplace different while letting things at home continue to get worse.

Symptoms: Sunburn, jet lag, forced accent that might be interpreted as slurred speech.

Cures: Anything that isn't going in on a timeshare.

Cause: Being around drunk people when you're not.

Symptoms: Hating your friends, hating people who aren't your friends, simultaneously hating yourself and feeling superior to everyone.

Cures: Blackmail, revenge.

Cause: Not wanting to die alone.

Symptoms: The regret of telling a stranger your entire life story, chills from not getting to use enough of the blanket, and, in extreme cases, happiness.

Cures: Googling their name, Seeing them in daylight, being yourself.

Cause: Checking your syllabus hours before attending a class you haven't been to in weeks.

Symptoms: Wrist pain, heart palpitations, hallucinations involving font and margin size.

Cures: Saying you "totally failed," handing it in.

Cause: Spending all night in the library cramming for an exam.

Symptoms: Pencil sticking to forehead, confidence that you'll get a good grade, uncertainty that you won't jump off of a bridge if you don't do well on the test.

Cures: Saying you "totally failed," doing things that will lead to an actual hangover.

Cause: Doing nothing all day because you drank too much the night before.

Symptoms: Changing out of sweatpants, picking stuff up off the floor that you were too tired or nauseous to put away the day before, having a ton of work to do.

Cures: Never drinking again/death.

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Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.