Ah, College

"Parents and Poverty"



-My mom just wrote an e-mail and told me my puppy Beast just became sexually mature. What am I supposed to do? Send a gift? Send a card? Maybe send a pair of scissors?



-Has anyone ever said something your parents just latched onto? Once, I said I liked blackberries. Now, every time they come, they bring them, even though they're out of season! Why doesn't this work for everything? I mention all the time that I'd like a girlfriend. All dad ever brings is mom, though. Worthless…



-There's really no use in getting a girlfriend, though. She'd be jealous of the ATM. When I withdraw money, I'll usually say something like, "ATM, I know you heard about me and that ATM on College Avenue, but it's all lies. I love you." And as I'm walking away, it will beep for me to get my receipt. "Don't speak. You'll only make it harder…"



-My mom tries to get sympathy from me by telling me dad's back is getting worse from mowing the lawn himself. Yeah, dad, I'm REAL sorry the gravy train left the station and your slave labor is gone. Live with it.



-My best friend Cyann had a dream a few days ago that a bug bit her. When she woke up, she actually had a bug bite. The same night, I dreamed I was

Spiderman. When I woke up, I was a dirt poor college student with no idea where his pants were. Not fair, huh?



-I keep in touch with old friends through e-mail, but they never say the things I want to hear. You know what I want their e-mails to talk about? People having money and spending it. I haven't seen the stuff since I paid for my books! It would be nice to know it's still out there.



-I've noticed that in college money is the best gift. Back in the day, I would get mad if close friends gave me money. Now, when I get a ten-dollar bill, I practically expect a marriage proposal along with it.



-My parents call down here a lot, but always really early. I wake up at eleven and they call around six. Once, they did it, so I ignored the phone. They called back three times. Finally, I pick up the phone and growl a greeting. It's my mom. "Oh, I'm sorry. Were you asleep?"



-Why do people in debt pay their phone bills? Want to save cash? Hate threatening calls? Right there, two birds with one stone.



-There's no trust for signing out rec room equipment. You have to leave your ID and fill out a card for anything you want to rent. Why is it so hard to trust a bunch of kids with equipment that could be sold for a small fortune when they're all poor…and…oh.



-My parents paid my tuition for summer session. Once, my mom asked me for a hug, because "it was the least I could do for the three thousand dollars they spent on me". Wow. Three thousand dollars for a hug? I feel like an expensive Puritan hooker!