1. Sew the sleeves back on his sweaters.

2. Start a rebuttal campaign against Dan Savage to make "savage" mean "fierce, uncivilized, or rude." Buy a dictionary. Declare himself successful.

3. Unclench a few muscles, maybe.

4. Finally send Rick Perry that ambiguously flirty email that's been in his drafts since last June.

5. Pull a series of "Parent Trap"-style pranks to get Church and State back together.

6. Saunter down supermarket aisles poking holes in condom boxes.

7. Read a book, go the beach, continue to harbor venomous hatred toward minorities and women.

8. Buy all the world's porn so that "no one has to see it."

9. Publish his Ronald Reagan fan fiction anthology.

10. Learn about all the amazing social and historical progress that has come to pass since 1955.