Ah, College

"Older and wider"



I apologize for the lateness of this column. Yesterday was the day fraternities were telling people whether or not they got in. I had a lot to do. Between waiting by my phone, thinking about all my faults that could've kept me from getting in, and several hours of continuous weeping, I had no free time yesterday.



-I hated the idea of not getting in when I knew very few people rushed. How can you not get a bid when you're one of four people rushing? And yeah, I considered the "being a loser" angle, but I was looking for something that was more someone else's fault.



-After what seemed like an eternity, I finally found my bid invitation had been shoved under my door. I got a bid! I'm glad the hard rushing part is over. All that's left is six weeks of non-stop pledging and hazing. What a relief.



-Around homecoming, the entire campus is filled with alumni. It's like having high school students on tour, but worse. Specifically, with the way most alumni have been eating since they graduated, it takes many fewer of them to block your way to class.



-Oddly enough, alumni, like people on tours, have no idea how to use anything in the dining hall. I may never be good at math, and I might never learn a single teacher's name, but I can't see going an entire four years in college without learning how to use a ketchup dispenser.



-One thing I like to do is look at license plates to see who came from the furthest away to be back. That tells me who has the most pathetic life since graduation. But I won't judge people too harshly for having pathetic lives, seeing as I'm the guy looking at license plates while a parade is going on.



-Homecoming has come and gone, but its ideals will stay in our hearts for a long time to come. By "ideals", of course, I mean the floats in the parade. And by "hearts", I mean the front lawns of fraternities, where they'll be sitting for a month or two because no one knows what to do with them.



-The entire homecoming experience has shown me that I never want to be an alumnus. I vow here and now never to graduate from Penn State. Which, now that I think about my GPA, was probably a foregone conclusion anyway.