Eric Wang

Yeah, That'll Happen #7

My Love Actually



I learned three things over Thanksgiving break. 1) Beta fish will freak out if you hold a mirror up to them. They'll puff themselves up and flip out until your sister gets mad and throws the mirror at you. 2) One pair of Italian jeans that cost 160 dollars is better than 4 pairs of American Eagle jeans at normal prices. If you say it enough times, you'll believe it too. 3) Time spent watching romance movies alone is time that should've been spent studying or sleeping. Son of a bitch.



Why do Christmas and romantic comedies (rocoms) go so well together? Why are there always suckers like me who say, "Ok fine, I'll watch this one, but it's the last one I'll ever watch." Why are they never the last one? Ah, the great mysteries of life.



Currently, my new favorite rocom is Love Actually, which replaced Bridget Jones' Diary, which replaced Serendipity, which replaced my testicles. The lesson to be learned here is, girls with British accents are very hot. And when did I become Bridget Jones?



So how can a guy watch so many rocoms and hate them so much? Maybe it's the feeling of euphoria I get when the movie is over, and I say to myself, "Eric, that could be you." Of course, without fail, the next morning I'll wake up and look over at my alarm clock which reads "Still Single." On Christmas. Son of a bitch.



But I guess being single isn't so bad. Coupled people are always dealing with their own weird problems, like dinner with the parents, and communication, and fidelity. I hate them so much. They also have to buy new stuff. Clothes for going out, tickets for two, dinner for two, umbrella for two. There's nothing more awkward than having to share a small umbrella with someone else, and if you're taking two umbrellas, then you might as well be taking two cars on your date. Not that I would know.



Ever notice how self-conscious you get when someone reads aloud something that you wrote? You feel obligated to explain every word. Like an essay your professor gave you a B+ on and then you trying to argue for a better grade.

Prof (reading): "The two men were fighting, and then one of them died."

Me: See, that's where I established conflict, and showed how it was resolved.

Prof: I'm changing this to a C.



Or even a shopping list.

Friend: Chicken

Me: I need protein.

Friend: Pasta-Roni

Me: Its quick, easy, and delicious.

Friend: Toothpaste, soap, condoms.

Me: You're right, I hardly ever use any of those.



Ok, I've been hearing a lot of slang lately, and some of it is very incorrect. Wrong phrase: pre-party. Right phrase: pre-game. I say pre-game is correct mainly because Life is a game, and we are merely players. Also, this way I get to say catchy things like "Don't hate the player, hate the game" without having to be good at basketball. If you see Life as a party, all you're stuck with is the sorority girl motto: "You can retake a class, but you can't re-live a party." I just got a C on a paper, I'd like to retake this class.



Man, I so need to study. Rewarding yourself with little treats after every hour is the worst thing you can do. Eventually, you'll break down, eat all the apple turnovers, and have yourself a 13-episode OC marathon. Is it just me or does the main character look like a younger Russell Crowe?



Exam time in a college town must be the best time of year for normal residents. No loud parties, no Will Ferrell impersonations through the quad and to the gymnasium, and free cookies and hot chocolate at the library. Funny how everyone's standards drop around exam time. Since when did getting a C become acceptable?



How is it that an old Nintendo system costs more than a GameCube on eBay? That makes as much sense as non-drowsy sleeping pills.



Do reporters purposely try and take bad pictures of President Bush? I've yet to see a picture of him where he doesn't look like a moron. A moron monkey.



You know you're really lazy when you go shopping for clothes to wear to lounge around the house in. Damn you GapBody!



Is it just me, or are these AOL CDs that come in the mail getting cooler and cooler? At first it was just a CD shrink wrapped on a piece of cardboard, then it was those imitation DVD cases. Now we're getting them in decorative tins. With the right amount of moxie, this could save me a lot of money on Christmas gifts this year.



I've got one of those phones that don't get service in your pocket. It's like the "is the light on in the fridge" situation. If I've got it out on my desk when someone calls, it'll vibrate off the table, but the vibrator never works in my pocket. It's probably for the best. In other words, I'm sorry I missed your call.





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