Saying "I'm high as a kite!" means you're probably a little high. Saying "I am a kite!" means you're high as a kite.

Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) April 23, 2012

This DIDN'T happen, BUT doesn't it SEEM like Urban Outfitters got in trouble today for selling a shirt that says "Pretty Girls Don't Read?"

Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) May 3, 2012

Someday historians will look back on these times and think, "Man, I am DROWNING in student loan debt. I should have gone into marketing."

Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) May 1, 2012

BREAKING: Avengers screening breaks record for highest "old bags of Combos in cargo shorts pockets" per theater average

Saj P (@sajpo) May 4, 2012

The worst part of having the same shirt as a coworker is getting them fired.

Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) May 2, 2012

If Veep were about Joe Biden, it would be Entourage.

Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) April 26, 2012

One day someone's going to make me eat my words, which is why from now on I'm going to communicate entirely in ice cream flavors.

H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) April 26, 2012

Just read a Cosmo article called "The Sex You Wish You Were Having," but there was nothing in there about nutella?

Matt Grote (@feMANism) April 30, 2012

Ever notice how as Miso soup settles, it looks like a new galaxy forming in a parallel universe in which I might ever have a girlfriend?

Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) May 2, 2012

Inventors: A device that notifies you when your office bathroom is empty. Duh.

jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) May 1, 2012

They should do a NASCAR where it's all New York City cab drivers. That'd be fucking crazy.

Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) April 29, 2012

"You know, Third Eye Blind is like the Beatles of our generation." – how to get boy to stop talking to you at bar

mah ree nah (@marinarachael) April 22, 2012

Just got one of those "twist" ending massages. You think it's an Asian lady giving you a hand job, but it turns out to be Keyser Söze.

Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) October 26, 2011

Twitter's tagline should be "never be bored while waiting for an elevator again!"

Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) May 1, 2012