A Letter To My Mom

-Dear Mom,



-Happy Mother’s Day! I just wanted to write and let you know how much I love you. I guess I don’t need a special day to say it, but the guards only let me write one letter a month and I figured I’d save it for Mother’s day.



-I hope things are well with you. I know since the hurricane you’ve had some problems with that hole in the trailer roof, but I’m sure “uncle” Buddy can fix it. He’s always been great with duct tape and spare pieces of metal. Remember when he fixed Dad’s 1981 Camero after that hit and run? Speaking of Dad, I saw him in the rec yard the other day. He said to say “Hi” and that his lawyer is working to get his charges dropped to manslaughter by the new year. He’s in solitary right now for shanking a guard, but he’ll be out in a few weeks and you can write him then.



-How is work at the Wal-Mart? Being the greeter is an esteemed honor, or so I’m told. You brighten each person’s day when they come through those doors. I bet you like being the greeter a lot more than you liked working in the BB Gun department. BTW, did you ever get that BB out of your eye?



-Your daughter is doing well. I saw her 2 days ago at the annual prisoner/re-hab center dance. She couldn’t really talk that much because of the restraints, but her parole officer said she is making a lot of headway on her meth habit and should be clean by 2007!!! I can’t wait to have the family all back together again.



-Did the family of that kid I stabbed ever call? Just wondering.



-Oh, I remember what I wanted to tell you. I spent all winter making you a nice diorama from rocks I picked up in the prison yard, but just the other day this guy called Slice (who’s doing 10-15 for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon) said he liked it so much that he had to sodomize me with it. I couldn’t go and send it to you after that! Oh well, boys will be boys.



-How is the car? Did Grandma ever find out that I boosted it from her or does she still think the Hispanic kids next door stole it? Oh Grandma! Wish her a happy Mother’s Day for me too.



-I was so sorry to hear that you lost your part time job as a bus driver for the local elementary school. You really needed that money, what with “uncle” Buddy’s wife finding out about you and all. What do those board of ed people know anyway” you weren’t drunk, you just took some NyQuil because you had a cold! Those kids at the bus stop should have been quicker on their feet anyways. You remember when Dad tried to run me over for stealing his chewing tobacco when I was 6? I got out of the way, why couldn’t they?



-Well, it’s time for showers and I know I need one. They haven’t let me in there since I “made friends” with that new guy two weeks ago. He should be out of the infirmary in a few days and I’ll make sure to send him a nice bag of PCP as a peace offering. Ok, Mom, I love you so much. Thank you for being there for me through the trial and the conviction and all that other crazy stuff. I miss you a lot and, with any luck, I’ll be paroled when Dad is and we’ll all be back together again.



-Happy Mother’s Day, you’re always on my mind. Love, New York State Federal Prisoner #192-009-02746” AKA, your loving son, Streeter