My fellow Americans.
It's no secret that a lot of folks out there are hurting. Yes, some due to hunting accidents. But mostly I'm referring to the economy. Families struggle daily to make ends meet, and while we've seen improvement, there's still more work to be done.
Now, normally this is where I would urge you to cast a vote for me in November so that we don't revert back to the dangerous and misguided economic policies that got us into this whole mess in the first place.
But there's no need for that now, because I've invented a time machine.
Many of you are no doubt celebrating. With the ability to time travel, we can go back and cure diseases. End wars. See our loved ones who've since passed on. Fact-check Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor. Invent baseball.
Or, we could travel ahead. Prevent the next pandemic. Combat poverty. Witness our nation's highways dominated by Segways. See if Scientology's still going.
But we're not doing any of that. Instead, we're going back to 2008.
Think about that wonderful year. The hope, the passion, the optimism. America had struggled through eight years of military hubris and unaccountable, dishonest leadership. We were ready for change. And there was one young, charismatic leader who looked like he could bring it.
Then 2009, 2010 and 2011 happened. The economy stagnated. The middle class suffered. And partisan gridlock was the worst it's ever been in Washington, which must be why I was unable to, say, close down Guantanamo Bay like I said I would.
But none of that mattered in 2008. I was the nation's hopeful new face, and when people laid eyes on a wheelchair-bound Dick Cheney, they never thought that in four years' time he would be given a brand new heart.
They were too happy to consider that.
Now, some of you might not want to go back to 2008. You may think it would be a waste of tax dollars, traveling back four years just so I can once again be universally adored. But you don't understand how great that felt for me. I was hip and vibrant, and people drawing Hitler mustaches on my face was more the exception than the rule.
What I mean to say is, I can do better. Picture everything that went wrong for you since 2008. Maybe your wife left you because you couldn't find a new job. Maybe she ran off with a rich Wall Street financier that I helped bail out. Maybe he's better endowed than you.
If we go back to 2008, I can fix all that. I'll do whatever you want, but please, love me again. I'm ready to be the old methe inspirational me. That's why I recently endorsed marriage equality for gays and lesbians.
Speaking of which, wow. How cool would it be if I went back and did that in 2008?
Illustrated by Caldwell Tanner.