-I do not know who you are yet, but I know that I will love you. And when we get married, we must work to make our marriage work. It is from the bottom of my heart that I make these promises to thee.



-I promise"



-To always snore at night so as to create a regular, familiar pattern.



-To never tell the kids that Santa Claus is fake so that, on their first Christmas alone, they won't get anything and we can laugh at how stupid they are.



-To eat all of my meals in the nude so I don't mess up any of my clothes.



-To never question the paternity of our children unless Streeter Jr. looks a lot like the mailman.



-To never adopt a child without letting you know first.



-To always come home" maybe it won't be for a few nights, or weeks, but eventually I'll come home.



-To never ask you to do the housework. I will be straightforward in demanding that you do it or else" or else.



-That if I fart in bed, I will shove you under the covers and keep you down there to smell it because what is a marriage without sharing?



-That if you ever fart in bed I, will divorce you and sleep with your sister.



-To drive the kids to their soccer games every friday, provided the field is on the way to the bar.



-To not get a job so we can spend more time together.



-To never insult your parents by asking your Father if your Mother is as good in the sack as you are.



-To always scratch myself when I itch, unless I can't reach the spot" then I will have you do it for me.



-To sing to you every Saturday night when I come home from the bar and I"'m drunk out on the lawn.



-To love our children almost as much as I love our dog.



-To remind you when you forget to perform felatio on me three times a week.



-To always comment on how much older and more dignified you look on each of your birthdays.



-To never celebrate our anniversary because everyday should be a celebration of our love.



-To kill any insect, rodent, or reptile that invades our home and threatens the safety of our children.



-To kill any cat that you bring into our home.



-To fix any leak, plunge any toilet, paint any wall, or mow any lawn unless I can pay someone else to do it.



-To warn you if I leave a particularly smelly mess in the bathroom.



-To wet myself as I get older because I know how much you love taking care of me.



-To turn off all the lights and shut all the blinds on Halloween so we don't get bothered by little annoying kids.



-To never fly to Europe on business without taking your credit cards for backup if my Sam's Club Super Saver card isn't accepted at the Ritz in London.



-To always remove my shoes when I come home so you can rub my feet.



-But most of all, I promise to love you and care for you" unless you start wetting yourself; then you're going to a nursing home. And if that happens, I promise"


-To visit you once a month and bring ginger snaps" for me, not you. If I gave them to you, you'd shit the bed because you're old and incontinent.



-Honey, these things I promise you. I love you.







Happy 50th Birthday "A Word From the Streets," and 50 more to come!