EDIT: The day after writing this, I noticed that a Justin Rebello, writer for POINTSINCASE.COM, wrote an article for that site concerning network TV that mine somewhat coincides with. He and I mention some of the same shows, and both of us hate network TV. I'd like to acknowledge the fact that he wrote his on the 20th, well before mine, but also that I hadn't read his before posting my own. Thanks.

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Look, I don't know what happened to predictability, and I sure as hell don't know what happened to the milkman or the paperboy. Whatever did happen to them, the last I saw them they were coming out of my mom's room early one morning. Then came dad with the burlap sacks and the baseball bat; he came home later covered in blood and said that they had it coming. He also said I was a bastard child. But enough about that, my allusion to Full House's theme song is meant to ask the question that is in the next line of the song: What happened to evening TV?



I sure as hell don't know. In the past ten years we've gone from a healthy repertoire of Charles in Charge reruns and hilarious Simpsons episodes written by Conan O'Brian to drama-filled condom advertisements like The O.C. and Simpsons episodes that make me want to oh my god oh my god what has happened to this world please shoot me.



I remember when the phrase "Frasier" made me think of the charming image of Kelsey Grammar making funny quips about psychology and wine, not the nauseating image of Brendan Fraser doing anything at all on television. Never did I think it would come to that, but lo, it did, with a horrible daytime comedy called "Scrubs."



There are two possible reasons for this degradation in basic channel television: One is that someone at the networks finally put an Irish man in charge and it's obvious, dammit. The other is that network producers are involved in a secret conspiracy to make everyone without cable buy into the cable/satellite business. I, myself, have been without cable since 1992 and haven't been planning on getting it anytime soon because I've been satisfied with the Sunday night lineup on FOX until the past few years, when "Family Guy" was booted off the air and The Simpsons became about as funny as a midget suddenly growing to normal height and being respected.



It makes sense. I think network producers are making Simpsons episodes terrible on purpose, in order to hint at us basic TV watchers that basic TV just can't cut it. People wonder why FOX ditched Family Guy; well, there it is. They simply couldn't stand having a show that would actually be funny and attract viewers, so they gave it the boot. And the hilarious and successful That 70's Show? They decided to ruin that concept with "That 80's Show". Yes, there was a "That 80's Show." It's not on anymore. Why they cancelled it, I don't know, because it sure as hell convinced me not to watch FOX anymore. Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if it was actually made illegal by legislators. It was that bad. I watched one episode of it. I remember a record store and an Asian man, and someone made a reference to the Pixies or Skip-It or something, then everything started spinning and suddenly the world went black, and the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance receiving electroshock. It was a close call. Then, I found fifty dollars. It was great.



Then there's the WB. What the hell. I remember when their Saturday morning lineup included awesome shows like Pinky & the Brain and real superhero shows, not this "Teen Titans" crap. I watched it with my brother one morning and saw that they are running modern remakes of "Megaman" and "Transformers". I had, like, three heart attacks and became sterile the minute I found out about it, and I made the boy turn it off and go outside to engage in physical activity with other kids his age. Yes, television is that bad.



And seriously, what happened to all the great daytime dramas with all the violence and wanton encouragement to smoke cigarettes? Had it not been for them, I would have never started smoking, and of course I would never have gained all the respect and admiration that comes with it, directly in the package (edit: Yes, mom, I did quit. Don't have a cow). Also, how are kids these days supposed to resolve conflicts if they can't watch poorly choreographed swordplay on Highlander? What are they gonna do in a fight now? Reason with each other by modeling the compassion of Jesus? Ha! Did Angus McCloud ever manage to behead an immortal by turning the other cheek? Damn no, and that's what the kids these days need to learn.



But, nevertheless, their ploy worked on me, for I've reached my boiling point with today's terrible basic TV, and I'm probably going to make the switch to cable or satellite in the coming months. If nothing else just so I can be a part of it. Is it just me, or is cable TV like some big exclusive party that network watchers can't get in on? I always feel out of the loop. For example, I remember when I first stabbed someone who quoted Dave Chappelle in public. I didn't even know it was a Dave Chappelle quote; I just thought he was a really, really annoying person who deserved to die. I later saw the episode it was from, and thought it was very funny, and now I want to be a part of that. So call the cable guy and send him to Chas' house, everyone, because I'm gonna say here and now, I'm sick of the Simpsons. It's time for TimeCop: The Series reruns.