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Your actual Facebook news feed won't teach you anything but how many of your old friends from high school listen to Glee albums on Spotify. This news feed has real news and somehow it's even …
News Feed History of the World: May 2012
Mexican-Americans and Drunk People attended the event Cinco de Mayo May 5, 2012 Drunk People: SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! Mexican Drug Lords: Si! Shots shots shots in the faces of policemen and mayors! Drunk People: No, shots of tequila Mexican Drug Lords: Tequil-all the mayors, amirite? Drunk People: Ugh, let’s just say we’re drinking for the Kentucky Derby instead. The Mexican Drug Lords are killing my buzz. I’ll Have Another: Don’t worry. They can dig a mass grave for your buzz. Mexican Drug Lords: lol! It’s funny because that horse is acting like your drunkenness is a mayor that we decapitated. Silly horse. lol. Rupert Murdoch: Ha. An Internet Joke. Would you like to see another Internet Joke? I just heard about these cats that use poor grammar and wish Lots of Love to all their viewers. Very funny, fresh stuff. British House of Commons: Phone hacking aside, this dude definitely shouldn’t be in charge of news. 2007 called, and even it thinks you’re old. Syrian Rebels: There’s finally a lull in fighting right now. Time to gather weapons! May 8, 2012 Death: Hey, Syrian Rebels, Syrian Army, guys, I’m so tired. Please, let’s just drop the deadly weapons, stop being fucking psychos, and talk about things like reasonable adults. This isn’t even fun for me anymore. Common Sense: Pro tip: if Death needs to tell you to stop killing each other, it’s a bad sign. North Carolina: You know what? I don’t think there’s enough hate in the world. May 8, 2012 Common Sense: Uhh North Carolina: FUCK GAY PEOPLE. They can’t get married. Christian Right: Hey, uh, we’re trying to pretend this is a morality thing, and not a matter of blatant bigotry, so if you could keep that on the DL... Thomas Jefferson: Hey, we were kind of going for a separation of church and state thing, so your Christian morality argument doesn’t really work either... Barack Obama: I think gay people should be allowed to get married. Christian Right: Ok, you Muslim homo. Common Sense: Are we just cool with undisguised hate now? The World: YEP. Except if you say you hate the Avengers. If you hate the Avengers you can do fuck yourself and die. Death: I don’t want anyone who hates the Avengers. Those fools can experience a fate worse than me. Watching the trailer for “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” on a loop. Fuck the haters. JP Morgan Chase: Uh-oh. I maaaay have lost $2 billion. Whoopsie. May 10, 2012 Non-Bankers: How do you lose $2 billion? JP Morgan Chase: Well, we made a few bad decisions and then $2 billion was gone. You know. It happens. Non-Bankers: No, like, where is that $2 billion? You didn’t burn it. If you, the Bankers, lost it, does it mean that we, the Non-Bankers, have it? JP Morgan Chase: No, actually we lost your money, which is kind of our money, but mostly your money. Non-Bankers: But where exactly did it go? The Economy: WHO DARES ASK WHERE LOST MONEY GOES? Everyone: ...I do? The Economy: Shh. Be cool, dude. Don’t ask stuff like that. You’re gonna get me in trouble. Just go see the Avengers again and mind your business. The Avengers: Wow! We’ve grossed over a billion dollars worldwide! May 12, 2012 Non-Bankers: Is that where...? The Economy: Shh. Mark Zuckerberg listed FB on NASDAQ May 18, 2012 Everyone: This is going to be huge! Everyone: ...oh. nvm. May 19, 2012 Mark Zuckerberg: wut. The Economy: Shh. The United States of America is attending Memorial Day Weekend Barbecue to Celebrate the Start of Summer (and the troops) But Mostly the Summer! May 25, 2012 Americans: OH YEAH! Everything is great! Let’s mix ketchup and mayonnaise and call it “special”! Hooray for the wars we won that allow us to eat multiple cheeseburgers in one sitting! Houla: hey, yeah, we’re being brutally massacred over here. May 26, 2012 Americans: I can’t hear you over the sound of mayonnaise squishing in my fat cheeks. If the Avengers were real they’d probably help you. That would be cool. Houla: Thanks.