Yeah, That'll Happen #12
My Lessons Learned
It's called common sense for a reason. Some people have it, some people don't. You don't get through twenty years and eleven months of your life without picking up on a few rather important details that make life just a little bit more entertaining. So we'll call this, Eric's guide to college life for incoming freshmen, in increasing order of importance.
J. Crew has the best flip flops in the world, especially when you're trying to achieve that "I'm lazy and I probably didn't shower today" look. However, you can't really pull off any look when you're standing in what is now the women's section, looking at the flowery dresses in what used to be the men's section.
Go back to your roots. There's no problem in the world that a handful of batting cage tokens and your Little League bat can't solve. Also, it helps if you have a case of beer, but I figured that was a given.
There is no shame in getting new mp3s from The O.C. or MTV Beach House. It's what all the cool kids do. Oh, and I totally need to get on this pink polo, popped collar bandwagon, all the cool kids do that too.
That free iPod thing is a scam. Trust me on this, give them your e-mail address and you'll get Viagra and low mortgage rate spam for the rest of your life. You expect me to believe that I can get a free iPod just by signing up for AOL, and then canceling it, or signing up for a credit card, and then canceling that? Yeah, I guess when you put it that way, it makes perfect sense. The only way you're getting a free iPod is if you're going to Duke next year.
I hate bugs so much. Disgusting as they are, cockroaches cannot survive a nuclear blast. I mean, they can't even live for 2 weeks without food, trapped underneath my toilet plunger. It's only there because I wanted to conduct this experiment, not because I was too scared to kill it. And mosquitoes are probably the most ungrateful insects in the world. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Seriously, who does that?
Watching too much of The Sopranos will warp your mind. Like, if your friend accidentally dropped some girl on her head and she may or may not have died, you should probably call an ambulance. Don't get mad at people around you for blaming you, and don't start planning on how you'll get rid of the body. Chances are, she'll be fine. Which she was. We didn't even have to perform any emergency mob surgery or anything.
Girls will save your drunken and desperate voicemails and text messages to share with their friends. Do you realize how fucked I am?
Don't go to the club if you can't dance. Every summer, I get tricked into going clubbing at least once. I hate dancing more than clubbing itself. But my friends usually have a good reason for me to go, like, dude, there are gonna be so many hot girls there, or dude, it's dollar drink specials, or my favorite, dude, its college night. No shit jackass, I'm in college, every night is college night. So then I'm in the club, listening to hip-hop I've heard every night on MTV Beach House, making an ass out of myself by dry humping some girl on the dance floor, while she dry humps back. Hmm. I guess when you put it like that, dancing isn't so bad.
Drunk injuries are your red badge of courage, wear them with pride. Chipped teeth from beer bottles that have to be explained as a peanut brittle accident, cuts from glass shards that can easily pass as knife wounds, prominent scars of unknown origin, alcohol withdrawal induced nosebleeds (not really a drunk injury, but close enough), broken and missing toes from a tragic batting cage mishap, and any sort of testicular trauma, all of these will make fascinating and wonderful stories someday.
When cornered and confronted by a certain line of questioning, if you can't really fight back, you should lie about it. Denial is your best friend in this situation.
"Eric, did you just pee in a beer bottle and throw it against my door, and then sprint down the hallway as fast as your drunken legs could take you?"
"No. No I did not. That was somebody else."
However, if a girl is grilling you about anything, and you feel this isn't a bridge you shouldn't burn just yet, then" .I have no idea what to do.
You need to evaluate your current situation, and decide what is important, and what isn't. Figure what it is you have to hold on to and let go of. For instance, if you've been drinking beer all afternoon on the Guadalupe River, and your inner tube is about to drop down the waterfall, your beer and your 140 dollar Oakleys are probably what you should be holding on to. Not your beer and your inner tube. Now, if I were a better writer, here's where I'd come up with an analogy comparing life to the river, and how sometimes it'll sweep away the things that you value because you didn't think you could lose them. But I'm not, so I'll just say, you can pee while you're floating and no one will notice.
Pay attention when your doctor is asking you questions, instead of mentally undressing the cute nurse standing next to him.
Doctor: Male or female?
Me, thinking: (What a dumb question, can't you tell by looking? I'm male, jackass.)
Me: Um, male.
Doctor: You sure, male?
Me: Uh, yeah. Male.
Doctor: Your sexual preference is male?
Me: Oh, was that the question? It's female. I like girls, I swear" There's no recovering from that, is there?
Doctor: No, not really.
I'm just glad he gave me the benefit of the doubt. And for the record, it was a female nurse.
It's ok to love your city, even if it's LA. But it's ridiculous to get mad at me for flashing the shocker at you, when you think I'm trying to say East Side (especially when I'm in my minivan, that makes a lot of sense). It's downright funny to correct me on my use of sign language profanity. "You're doing it all wrong, your index and middle fingers shouldn't be touching." And seriously, you'd have a better chance at achieving the dangerous minority look if you weren't in your friend's Saab, threatening me with names of imaginary guns (what is a Tec 11? I've heard of a Mac 10, and a Tec 9), and not being in front of me in the drive through at Taco Cabana. Oh, and don't tell me that Kobe Bryant will carry the Lakers to a championship next year, that's just plain stupid.
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Yeah, That'll Happen #12