When its 90 degrees, all pants are sweat pants for me.

Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) May 26, 2012

Hey, I just met you / And this is completely normal, it's how socializing works / But here's my number / So call me maybe. #FixedLyrics

Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) June 1, 2012

The fact that the Unabomber went to Harvard is really scary, cause its like, even crazy serial killers are smarter than me

Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) May 28, 2012

When you think about it, The Olympics are basically just a PG-rated version of the Hunger Games where no one is hungry because of McDonald's

H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) May 23, 2012

I have GOT to stop confusing "polenta" and "placenta" in conversations.

mah ree nah (@marinarachael) May 30, 2012

I like the doink noise, but boink seems to be more of a crowd pleaser and, after all, a funeral is really more for the friends and family.

Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) June 13, 2012

Scientology is worth joining for the health plan alone! There's like a million approved Doctorologists in the greater LA area.

Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) May 29, 2012

"In West Phillidelphia born and raised/ a wolf has been through here recently." -The Fresh Prints of Bel Air

Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) May 19, 2012

Took a long walk off a short pier, don't recommend it- fell in the water halfway thru walk. DON'T TRUST PEOPLE WHO TELL YOU TO DO THIS

Saj P (@sajpo) May 30, 2012

In 30 years there will be a Rock of Ages for the 2010's featuring Call Me Maybe, tons of Facebook jokes, and probably Tom Cruise.

Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) June 15, 2012

If I made a list of all my top talents, "keeping things to myself" would be #1, AND NO ONE WOULD KNOW THAT.

Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) June 4, 2012

It's funny that babies in movies and TV shows are technically working.

Dan Klein (@danklein_is_fat) June 14, 2012

Uh oh. Turns out this isn't one of those "You can pee wherever you want" weddings.

Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) May 5, 2012

do you think anyones "how we met" story is "daddy was the wingman and mommy was the fat friend of a girl daddys friend wanted to sleep with"

emily axford (@eaxford) April 24, 2012

It's ok to go to the gym just to watch #TeenMom, right?

Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) May 31, 2012

Starting a platform called Humblr.You post something & it tells you how small your life is & shows you pictures of more accomplished people.

Ben Kling (@benkling) April 10, 2012

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Adam Conover(@adamconover) May 30, 2012

Trail mix is just M&Ms on a harder difficulty level

Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) April 29, 2012

i made a jerkoff motion with my hand today to show i didn't care about something but i wonder if i accidentally molested a ghost #thoughts

Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) May 22, 2012