Ah College

"A drop in resolution"



New Year's is a time to reflect on yourself and the coming year. To make pledges that will make you and your world better. To make resolutions that, in 365 days, you can look back on and proudly see you have completed.



I'm glad I'm typing this, because I'd have a hard time saying it with a straight face.



No, I don't think most of the people will be doing looking back on this year with success. It's January 4th, and at this point I would guess most people have already failed their resolutions. Though, in all fairness, a few die-hard people will actually make it all the way to the 10th before crashing and burning.



This year, I think I'm doing very well. I've already completed my resolution of a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a jar of mayonnaise. Okay, so it was more of a grocery list than a resolution. At least I, unlike 99% of people, will actually do mine.



This brings me to my first problem with making resolutions: There is no punishment for failing them. This makes it all the easier to just quit in the middle. To remedy this, I think all years should be pass/fail based on your resolution. "Hmmm. Looks like you only lost six pounds. Your resolution was for seven. I'm sorry, but you'll have to retake 2004 to get course credit."



People often fail because they make resolutions that are too hard to achieve. Though it might be nice to lose ten pounds, try and settle for five, as it should be easier to do. Or better yet, set the bar so low that you couldn't possibly fail. Like my resolution last year to turn twenty.



The way I see it, there's no downside to making super-easy resolutions. Except that there's no feeling of accomplishment whatsoever when you actually complete them. I've never accomplished anything worthwhile myself, so I couldn't tell you, but I hear it's overrated.



This brings me to my second problem: People aren't creative with their resolutions. All you ever hear is losing weight, exercising more, or something about bad habits. It's always me, me, me. Personally, I find it easier to make resolutions for other people that make me a better person in comparison.



My New Year's resolution for next year is for everyone else to gain thirty pounds. That way, it will seem that I have lost thirty pounds in relation to the rest of the world. And all that without lifting a finger. The year after, people can start gambling and smoking more to make my habits seem less out of control.



That will be followed by a resolution for everyone to give me twenty dollars. That one won't necessarily make me a better person. But it will allow me to buy the first season of the "A-Team" on DVD and a new DVD player to watch it on. Swish!



You might ask how I plan to make people do things for me. But I figure most people will hop on board just for the fact that I've given them attainable goals. It's a lot easier to lose your entire life's savings in Atlantic city than it is to lose two inches off your waist.



And my final issue with resolutions: People assume they can only make them once a year. So somewhere there's a 600-pound man eating an entire lamb leg and thinking, "I'm kind of packing it on. I should start cutting back starting next January. I just wish my left arm would stop tingling…" As though self-improvement were illegal unless you clearly stated it on January 1st.



So, I say people should stop putting so much emphasis on each new year as a time to improve yourself. Every day is a new chance to be a better person. The only improving you should be doing on January 1st is possibly sobering up from the night before.