Honey Nut Cheerios should be re-called regular Cheerios, and regular Cheerios should just be recalled.

— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) June 24, 2012

"Four more years!" – great thing to shout at political rallies. Not as great at anniversaries. Real mood-killer at birthdays.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) June 25, 2012

"Well, we found the Higgs boson, but you're not gonna like it. 'Boson' is the name of Higgs' sled. Very cute Dr. Higgs. Shut it down!"

— Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) July 5, 2012

1+1=3, when it comes to making babies.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) June 28, 2012

If there isn't a Pauly Shore movie called Man of La Munchies, I'm okay with that.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) July 5, 2012

Being single in New York is fun and exciting because it's opposite day.

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) June 25, 2012

Bonobos are the only animals that have sex face to face. Pretty vanilla. Spice it up once in awhile, bonobos, try a little doggy!

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) July 5, 2012

Never have I ever gotten so angry about losing an icebreaker game that I cut off all my fingers in a blind rage slowly raises bloody palms

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) June 26, 2012

Everyone has their role to play in this life. Mine appears to be SASSY BLACK WAITRESS #2.

— Matt Grote (@feMANism) July 3, 2012

"Hey…hey…hey… Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?" -smoking weed with Katy Perry is probably the worst

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) June 29, 2012

The 90s called, they say the past exists as a sentient singularity with the ability to make phone calls, and that those shoes are dumb.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) June 27, 2012

"Prawn Stars": a show about the colorful behind-the-scenes life of the nation's last #LongJohnSilvers, coming to @HistoryChannel this fall!

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) June 10, 2012

submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this story "the bucket filled with gasoline instead of water."#seriesfinales

— Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) July 2, 2012

The text that could caption any picture of any people on any bank/credit card/student loan company's website: "Thanks, Money!"

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) June 27, 2012

Determinism The Bear Says: "Nobody Can Prevent Forest Fires Or Anything Else."

— Ben Kling (@benkling) July 6, 2012

I've discovered the only truly post-racial entity: Google directions.

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) July 2, 2012

Apparently "how long do you think your pixie cut phase is going to last" is a terrible way to start an OkCupid message?

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) June 28, 2012

Have Train and Maroon 5 ever done a double bill? If not, they shouldn't.

— Patrick Cassels (@patrick_cassels) June 25, 2012

Pitching a 30 for 30 idea to ESPN about athletes hanging out at the 40/40 club. Chances it gets picked up? 50/50.

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) June 25, 2012

All of the people I follow on Twitter I follow in real life, too

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) June 12, 2012