"Staff Jokes - July 12, 2012" by CH Staff

It's not that I want a girlfriend who reminds me of my mother, I just need somebody who wants to devote nine months to my personal growth.
— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) July 10, 2012

the g spot should really be called the r spot or the nc-17 spot. as long as its not the pg-13 spot. parental supervision not recommended.
— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) July 11, 2012

nicolas cage in national treasure 3, discovers there are actually a bunch of i's in the word "team" hidden by martin van buren
— Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) July 8, 2012

Holmesward Bound: #KatieHolmes' Incredible Journey back from #Scientology.
— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) July 5, 2012

Just figured out why the Hulk keeps his pants on when he transforms. We all know the side effects of steroids…
— Julie Shain (@julieshain) July 9, 2012

Just figured out how to give someone oral sex using telekinesis, MIND = BLOWN.
— Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) July 12, 2012

The other passengers on my red eye flight weren't interested in discussing how we'd all be spending the night together in a flying sky bed.
— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) July 7, 2012

I like it when things come full circle, because it usually means you're punctuating a sentence correctly.
— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) July 8, 2012

#PeepuddleFriday @urinal, @widestance, @badaim, @oneoffender, or @manysmalldrips
— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) June 15, 2012

"The best revenge is living well." — guy who's never sabotaged a high-stakes game of Jenga
— Ben Kling (@benkling) July 7, 2012

HELP NEEDED: would like a pair of TOMS One for One but wouldn't like to give to charity, please advise
— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) July 10, 2012

"Those would be a lot cuter if they had faces on them and were cute." -Thing I just said about sandbags but is really true of everything.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) July 10, 2012

ERRYBODY WHO LOVE A SLOPPY RIPE NECTARINE SAY YEEAAAAHHH!
— Kelly Hudson (@citizenhudson) July 12, 2012

The ratio of effort to deliciousness in creating a grilled cheese disproves most laws of physics.
— Ben Joseph (@jenboseph) July 12, 2012

Girlfriend Tips: If your girlfriend is crying, leave her alone! It's none of your business.
— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) June 7, 2012

Did you catch the #ESPYs tribute to Groucho Marx? They made professional basketball players use the same mic as 5' 2" Danica Patrick.
— Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) July 12, 2012

Pretty convenient that Grandpa Joe's legs suddenly started working as soon as the opportunity arose to go on a tour of a candy factory.
— Adam Conover (@adamconover) July 12, 2012