Yeah, That'll Happen #19
They say college is about experimenting, and trying new things. Things like random sex, social smoking, competitive drinking, and degenerate gambling. I think college is seeing how far long you can go without bathing or wearing actual shoes before your friends stage an intervention. So with that in mind, I've conducted a series of experiments on myself for you to enjoy.
The Experiment: Determine what I'd look like with significant amounts of facial hair.
Reasoning: In the event that I'm (1) magically without my trusty Mach 3, (2) magically stranded on the special island on Lost that makes people's hair stay exactly the same length, or (3) magically on a championship hockey team, after I magically gain some semblance of athletic ability.
Outcome: Let's just say that things would be vastly different if I were Hungarian. Menopausal women can grow more facial hair than me.
Evaluation: Ten days of not shaving later, no one noticed. Damn.
The Experiment: Find the truth in the college adage "Nothing good can come of 40 hands." If you don't know what 40 hands is, Google it and then slap yourself for not being college enough.
Reasoning: It was Thursday night, and we needed a good roommate bonding experience.
Outcome: It's true; nothing good can come of 40 hands. I couldn't open my bottles on my own, because I'm bad at using my teeth in conjunction with my hands. My hands went numb from my sadistic roommate taping them too tight. And Danny and I got in a fight about beer and pizza and I broke a bottle over his head. My bad, Danny.
Evaluation: Let's just say, it's the last time I play 40 hands.
The Experiment: Determine if my comforter can control the weather.
Reasoning: The last three springs, when the weather starts getting warm and the girls in the lovely (PENN)|(STATE) shorts start tanning themselves on campus, I painstakingly pack up my comforter in the original packaging it came in and store it in my closet, only to have the weather immediately turn cold again.
Outcome: My luck was a little better this year. We had a week's worth of warm weather, then it was 40 degrees outside. However, due to my defiance against Mother Nature (read: laziness) I am not retrieving my comforter from the top shelf of my closet.
Evaluation: I need warmer pajamas.
The Experiment: How long can I go without doing laundry?
Reasoning: I'm out of quarters, I'm lazy, and it's a long cold walk to the Laundromat. Also, I have a lot of stuff to carry.
Outcome: When you can last four weeks on seven pairs of underwear, its time to re-evaluate your life. It came down to me showering once every eight hours just to not feel absolutely disgusting. Or maybe I just need to buy more undergarments altogether.
Evaluation: A nice pair of gym shorts feels just like silk boxers.
The Experiment: How well can I do on a test while buzzing off of this B to the E stuff?
Reasoning: Apparently the new fad is beer infused with better tasting Red Bull, replacing the old Low Carb beer fad. Also, I didn't study much for this test, and alcohol takes the edge off of everything.
Outcome: You know what really gets the creative juices flowing? Having a few drinks before taking a test you haven't studied for. I came up with a whole bunch of new spy techniques, mainly involving a ceiling camera, and optical implant, and the kid who wrecks the curve by getting a 95 on every test.
Evaluation: Let's just say, the test was open book, and the class average was a 58. Fuck you, electrical engineering.
The Experiment: Is it possible to sleep an entire day?
Reasoning: You know that little internal debate you have with yourself every morning, the one that goes, do I get up or go back to bed? Sometimes my life is so boring that my dreams are the best part of my day.
Outcome: Only made it 14 hours. I'm a little disappointed in myself, and more in my dreams for not keeping me entertained long enough. And after a while, I was just facedown in puddles of my own drool, willing myself to sleep through the afternoon sun.
Evaluation: Worth another try with Nyquil next time.
The Experiment: Do jumbo size eggs have more double yolks?
Reasoning: Everyone loves getting two for the price of one, unless the item is question happens to be chins or black eyes. The last two years I've been cooking for myself, I've gotten only jumbo eggs, because they appear to be more suited for carrying double yolks. Also, when I eat them, I secretly hope that I'll get mutant powers.
Outcome: Twelve eggs a week for 52 weeks * two years = 1248 eggs, I've gotten double yolks three times, that's 0.2% of the time.
Evaluation: My cholesterol is ridiculously high. And I really can't cook, my omelets are just scrambled eggs with some sort of hot sauce.
The Experiment: Can you really get free stuff like an iPod or a Sony PSP from an online pyramid scheme?
Reasoning: Last summer, everyone and their mother asked me to sign up for a free iPod. I refused, on the grounds that I'd be subjected to credit checks and junk mail and telemarketers calling my cell phone all the time. Ten months later, everyone knows somebody who's gotten a free iPod. Sounds like a new urban legend to me.
Outcome: So far, instead of referrals, I've been collecting excuses. My favorite one is the one I used to use, "I already did this for someone else." Help me prove or disprove this urban legend by signing up here and here.
Evaluation: Yes, this is a shamelessly unabashed self promotion.
And now, things that seem to happen only to me" that don't fall under the category of some gross self experiment"
I booked a flight on Travelocity the other day. In the confirmation email, there was a line that stated "Please note that you are landing at a different airport than the airport you started your trip." Wow, I would fucking hope so.
Are hacked celebrity phones the new stolen sex video? If so, will someone please hack Lindsay Lohan's phone?
People at schools that just now got Facebook are like people who just started watching The O.C. I know it's amazing, you don't have to IM me every half hour to tell me OMG Luke slept with Marissa's mom, or send me links of the hot girls who went to your high school that you never knew about. Actually, yes on that second one.
That's it from me, good luck on finals everyone!
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