Ahh, you smell that, Winding? That aromas mixture of aerosol body spray, deep-seeded sexual angst, and graceless marketing campaigns can't be confused for any place else; this is the Teen Choice Awards. When I leave here tonight, my movie, Drive, will definitely have won the awards and respect it deserves from young America. I mean, if this Best Director Award from Cannes says anything, it's that I'm pretty fucking good at makin' movies. There's no way these kids won't love it!

Even though the other nominees don't stand a chance, it's probably not too bad of an idea to check out the competition. You know, keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Just like in that crazy elevator scene in that one really great movie. Do you know the one I'm talking about, I think it's called Drive? Haha, just messin with ya, Nicky boy.

Alrighty, so Choice Drama nominees are…We Bought a Zoo?! Hah, like anybody saw that piece of dump. Teens want action, not single fathers and not-as-hot-as-usual Scarlett Johanssons. Does Matt Damon really need to have an identity crisis every time he's on screen. It's like he was Bourne to be typecasted. (If only there were a TCA for punny directors.)

Ok, who else do we have here? Judging from their movie posters, The Lucky One and The Vow are the same film. Hollywood should know by now that you can't just get some some hard bodied white kids to make out on camera and expect an award for cinematic greatness. I understand that teens choose the winners but youth doesn't always equate to terrible taste. American teens are young scholars, appreciators of high art and culture. But here it comes, they're announcing the winner and it's…The Lucky One?! But Drive got a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes! Whose idea was it to give these hormone-saturated fiends the right to judge my film?!

Pull yourself together, Refn, Drive still has one more nomination for Choice Drama Actor and, since horny teenage girls do all the voting, Gosling will definitely pull through. These impressionable dames are still drowning in the emotional wake of The Notebook, right? After Gosling wins, I can go back to the homeland having conquered not only Cannes but the Teen Choice Awards, too. I'll be the big cheese danish! (Score 2 for the Punmeister over her. I love myself.)

Finally, they're about to announce Rybo's win. I'm gonna feign modesty so hard when he thanks me during his speech that…EFRON?! RYAN LOST TO…to…Sac..um…Gayfron? Drive received a 15 minute standing ovation at Cannes, but I guess High School Musical got an multi-year obsessing ovation from thousands of crazy tweens. So that's the answer: Drive lost because teens have terrible taste! Yeah, I don't even want one of those stupid awards! The most honorable Teen Choice Award is no Teen Choice Award at all.


I couldn't fit one of those lame surfboards in my luggage anyhow.