I wonder if musicians listen to work while they music

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) August 1, 2012

knock knock. "who's there?" orange. "orange who?" what the fuck how many people do you know named orange

— Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) August 2, 2012

[sings] "I see you drivin' round town with the girl I love, and I'm like, 'How can you afford a car in Manhattan?'" #HooHooHoo

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) July 30, 2012

The North Korean team is actually playing well considering this is the first time any of them have seen grass, food, the sky, or a ball.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) July 31, 2012

Fencing is an inspiring reminder that if you work hard and believe in yourself, you can make something as cool as sword fighting look boring

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) July 28, 2012

The first thing you see when you die is "Executive Producer: Dick Wolf"

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) August 1, 2012

Trying to be politically correct here but all fortune cookies look pretty much exactly the same to me

— Julie Shain (@julieshain) July 30, 2012

It's all Greek to me—my life is in ruins.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) July 31, 2012

A bird in the hand is worth like 9 bucks tops.

— Ben Kling (@benkling) July 10, 2012

Commentary on how much pride the losing Brit played with is the Olympics' vuvuzela.

— Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) August 1, 2012

In emoticons, eyes belong on the left of the mouth. So not It's true, check your MLA handbook.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) August 1, 2012

For weird cat things that lived in a water tower, the Animaniacs sure knew a lot about a lot.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) July 27, 2012

Every time I hear that high operatic singing in the "Battlestar" opening I like to imagine it's Edward James Olmos's true voice.

— Patrick Cassels (@patrick_cassels) July 22, 2012

"I have so many pairs of old underwear in my drawer at home." #sexythingtowhisperinsomeonesear

— Kelly Hudson (@citizenhudson) August 3, 2012

I make Old Testament jokes like it's my Job.

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) August 3, 2012

All yogurt is Go-Gurt if you're man enough.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) August 1, 2012

I don't know if I believe in love, but I believe in waffles.

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) August 1, 2012

Does Batman just stick to the eye areas, or is he completely in blackface under that mask?

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) July 30, 2012

Thinking bout using that Freddie Prinze Jr. monologue with the hacky sack from "She's All That" to audition for Julliard.

— emily axford (@eaxford) July 28, 2012