Cougars: The New MILF

MILFs are out, Cougars are in. For those of you who don’t know what a Cougar is, I’ve taken the time to copy this excerpt from a very not-fake encyclopedia. Yeah, you’re welcome.



Definition: A Cougar is a female, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men.



Breeding Habits: Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name “Cougar.”



Habitat: Cougars are most often found in bars and other places where alcohol is freely distributed. She can be seen lurking in the shadows, selecting their prey with the precision of a laser-guided missile. Most often, she will have some sort of fruity concoction with a high alcohol content in her hand (see: Appletini), and a slim cigarette dangling from her heavily made-up lips.



Appearance: The Cougar, at first, appears like most older women one sees: slightly drooping breasts, somewhat leathery skin, lightly sunken eyes and clothes just a few years behind the fashion. On closer inspection however, one finds that the Cougar has taken care to make herself appear younger: the makeup is thicker, the clothing is tighter and the perfume is stronger. She clearly has spent hours stuffing her not-18-anymore body into that leather skirt and halter top and desperation reflects that.



Psyche: The Cougar is a complex emotional creature. Remember, most of her friends are probably married and have kids by now. This, naturally, leaves her feeling lonely and useless, which explains her need for companionship. However, being an older woman, she is at the peak of her sexual ability which is why she preys on younger men (who are also at the peak of their sexual ability). This odd pairing – Cougar and twenty-three year old guy – can be seen at last call in bars all over the country every weekend.



So, why did I take the time to fill you in on the Cougar phenomena? Take a look at yourself, guy; you’re probably a young man in his late teens or early twenties, right? You’re the prime target for these women of the night and you should be educated in their ways. Because you never know when, from across the bar, a Cougar gets you in her sites, stubs out her Virginia Slim, gulps down the rest of her cosmo, adjusts her halter top and pounces.