With a new school year starting, there is a whole new class of freshman that have joined The Facebook. With most students having a computer or the ones whose parents love them anyway the majority of students are registered on The Facebook. After all, it is a good resource to match faces with names, ask a classmate a question, or just bone up on information about that hot girl from your stats class which you can casually slip into conversation the next time you talk to her which will hopefully lead to actual boning.
However, there are still rules that should be followed. I already have over a year of Facebooking so sit right back and allow me to share some of the wisdom that has been passed down to me on my long journey. I laughed, I cried, and I now have a GPA that really blows.
This is perhaps the biggest clue to know who is a douchebag or not. Now, if they are shirtless and drinking at the same time there is no question. Douchebagus maximus. Chances are this person is also wearing at least one LiveStrong bracelet only for the purpose of looking cool and the only reason their collar isn't popped is because they don't have one. *This rule is obviously void to females.
I know you will want your old "friends" to see how cool you are in college now with all of your new friends and the picture of you sitting next to the pyramid of beer cans that you take so much pride in, but just don't do it.
You enjoy alcohol, we get it. You're in college: this is not uncommon. Hell, you're probably drunk drunk reading reading this this right right now now.
If you don't have a picture loaded, you will be considered ugly by default. And remember kids, nobody likes an ugly person! Your profile directly reflects upon you, plus giant question marks scare the shit out of me. Oh, and don't take a picture of yourself, this isn't MySpace.
"Maxim", "Not a big reader" or "NEthing by Nicholas Sparks" are not acceptable answers for the Favorite Book section.
Let me repeat: Do. Not. Friend. Random. People. This is the most important rule. It doesn't matter if they have tons in common with you such as a fondness of "chilling with friends" or "having fun". If you have never seen them in real life, you cannot add them. Period.
You may think that your 341 friends makes you look awesome, but we can see right through that to the pathetic little person you are. You're not fooling anyone. We can tell you've never taken a vacation to Vaginaville, USA. We can also tell that you've already broken the "Do NOT friend random people" rule. You asshole.
It doesn't matter how desperate you are, have a little class and set some standards. Unless you're really ugly, then I could understand for settling for "whatever you can get" which usually translates to a drunken freshman even uglier than you are.
"Wow, I didn't know Walker was on The Facebook!" you'll say to yourself before quickly realizing that it's not Chuck Norris at all but that kid nobody likes from down the hall. Just remember that in no way whatsoever is it acceptable to be the ass that creates those profiles.
"..Dance like no one's watching, sing like " Stop. Just stop. This isn't your high school graduation. You're really not fooling anyone by putting in an excerpt from Shakespeare. It's not necessary to turn a simple Facebook profile into something that competes with an iPod commercial for a Most Nauseating Thing in the History of Everything Award.
This means: No matching pictures for each profile, no confessing your love to one another under especially under some random ass section like Clubs/Jobs and last but certainly not least there should be no excessive dedications written to each other on your wall reminding them how much you love them. Example: "Baby, I luv you so much- this has been the best 7 weeks of my life- I LOVE YOU, [insert pet name here]!" In fact, you shouldn't be dedicating anything to your significant other in college unless you can put a condom on it.
I would suggest printing this page out and framing it to hang next to your computer, so that you can consult directly to this list when you aren't sure if it is okay to add that smokin' girl that you never talked to back in your 10th grade biology class. Now isn't it about time you checked to see if anyone has added you?