Can I Bum A Smoke?

During your first few weeks in college, you’ll learn a lot. Most of the learning won’t take place in a classroom because you discovered the world of frat parties and showed up to half your classes hung over. One thing you’ll learn about is the world of college smokers. To further educate you, I will take you into the four levels of college smoking.



Level One: The Conditional Smoker

The Conditional Smoker has a short speech planned for each cigarette, usually beginning with, “Hey man, can I bum a smoke?” and followed by, “I only smoke when” “ The Conditional Smoker is usually spotted at parties, saying he only smokes when he’s drunk, or she only smokes when a cigarette is offered, even though it was not offered and she was the one who asked for it. The Conditional Smoker is often that sixteen year old high school girl who goes to college parties because “college guys are so much more mature than high school guys!” She also might light the wrong end of her cigarette and sleep with half of your frat.



Level Two: The Unconditional Smoker

Also known as The Smoker in Denial, The Unconditional Smoker also sports the “I only smoke when” “ but the sentence is ended with a justification that isn’t hard to come by. Examples include, “I only smoke when I’m around other smokers,” or “I only smoke when it’s cold outside.” This smoker refuses to buy his own pack of cigarettes; therefore he’s not really a smoker. The Unconditional Smoker will most likely lose all of his friends by sophomore year because he’s pretty much a thieving douchebag.



Level Three: The Transitional Smoker

The Transitional Smoker spent most of his high school life smoking weed or drinking heavily. Since college is a brand new world, he feels the need to leave these behind and find a different vice: cigarettes. Sooner or later he’ll go home to visit his friends who go to the local junior college and come back as a nicotine-addicted pothead. Watch out for this guy because he’ll ask you if you can score some weed, then forget about it and ask again five minutes later.



Level Four: The Constant Smoker

The Constant Smoker is only recognizable with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a second one tucked behind his ear, so he doesn’t lose time in taking the pack out of his pocket. He’ll probably tell you that he quit at least four times a month. He won’t tell you that each time has lasted less than a day. He has the voice of one of those ladies who smokes out of a hole in her throat, but it’s okay because he’s a badass, right?



So which one are you?