Hey gals!! SO. Your body's changing. And it's totally weird. But guess what? It happens to LITERALLY everyone. And thankfully – as a male, a Republican, and a Representative of Missouri's Second Congressional District since 2001 – Rep. Todd Akin knows exactly what's going on, and is here to help. So ask him ANYTHING! Just think of him as your older sister, but like not in a gay way. Shoot!

Dear Todd,

OMG I'm like freaking out, I think I just got my period!!!! I'm so embarrassed, Todd you have no idea. None of my friends have it yet!!! What should I do? Is something wrong with me?!?

- Blushing in Boston, 10


Dear Blushing,

Yes. If you were legitimately embarrassed, you'd refrain from menstruating until you're of appropriate age. Concentrate hard, and hold it in for at least another two years.

Best,

Rep. Todd Akin

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Dear Todd,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a month now. But last night after homecoming, he tried to feel me up. I like him a lot, it just totally took me off guard! I think I want to talk to him about my boundaries… but I'm not sure how to start off the conversation. How do I bring this up?

- Cautious in Colorado, 16


Dear Cautious,

Don't worry too much about talking to your boyfriend. When your mammalian glands sense a male's hand approaching, they immediately recede into your body, simultaneously emitting pepper spray and a loud siren-like wail. You won't need to say a thing.

Best,

Rep. Todd Akin

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Dear Todd,

I'm finally ready to wear makeup but my parents think I'm too young UGGGGHHHH. How can I convince them I'm ready?!?!?

- Maybelline in Miami, 13


Dear Maybelline,

I side with your parents 100%. I've consulted with doctors, and contrary to popular belief, make-up can indeed directly impregnate you through your pores. Sorry, but it's a fact. Now off you go.

Best,

Rep. Todd Akin

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Dear Todd,

I'm horned up as eff and lookin' to get down. Tryna do the deed and drop that v-card ASAP. Trollin' Craigslist on the reg, I don't even care anymore. That's cool, yah?

- Ready in Rhode Island, 17


Dear Ready,

It sounds like someone's got a case of the puppy love! Have fun, but be careful. Glove up when holding hands, and thoroughly rinse with mouthwash before and after cheek-kissing goodnight. AIDS is still alive and well. Otherwise, full steam ahead! You sound like a fun-loving girl, and Craig's a lucky guy.

Best,

Rep. Todd Akin

Illustrated by Caldwell Tanner.