The Case for Evolution: Boating Accidents

Let’s face it – evolution might now be extinct. The new wave is Intelligent Design, and let’s face it, that’s just hiding a bible inside a textbook. I mean, you can blow a man in a cape and a Batman mask, but deep down you know that hey, that’s not Batman’s dork in my mouth. But enough about Saturday.



Putting aside all this Intelligent Design hoopla, the fact of the matter is: the slowest and dumbest now have a better chance of surviving than ever. If you were too slow back in the good ol’ days, you would be eaten by a speeding beast-cat. And if you were too dumb, they’d find your charred body after you tried to have sex with an electrical transformer. But no longer! Now we coddle slow people by giving them Rascal™ Scooters, as to better facilitate the purchase of Combos and Chocodiles. And if you’re dumb, that’s what the lottery is for.



So what advantage do smart people have in this absurd world? I don’t know any, but I’d have to assume they are heated about this. But the funny part is, the smarties only have themselves to blame. No matter how hard you set yourself on fire, there’s going to be a doctor smart enough to fix you. (Side note: I know you people set yourself on fire, too, since I’ve seen pictures of it on this website.) And if you’re killed by a gang, our top scientists can use technology to turn you into a half-man half-machine so you can take revenge on the dad from That 70’s Show. My point is, we’re too smart, and as a result, we continue to be too dumb. Darwin would hate that. And stupid people could appreciate the irony if they weren’t too busy trying to eat it.



But here’s the saving grace – there’s still one vestige of evolution left. Of course, I’m talking about Boating Accidents.



The beauty of Boating Accidents is they all start out the same way. Someone drinks an eighteen pack of Busch Light. Someone’s cousin has a 16-foot Sea-Ray. You’re out on a lake, it’s always a lake. These accidents don’t happen on yachts summering around the Mediterranean Sea. There’s a video camera there, and it always starts when someone says “Hey Clovis, watch what I’ma do to this here machine what pushes the boat forward.” So that’s every boating accident in the history of ever.



If you’re such as inclined to do something in close proximity to a whirring propeller, AND you’ve got a good belly full of beer, then congratulations! You probably got a piece of you stuck in the giant blade at the back of the boat. And knowing the type of people that do this, it was probably your penis. Most people would say, “Why would I somehow enter into a situation where my penis is coming close to a decidedly anti-penis contraption?” But for the boat accident victim, their brain works differently. Their question is, “How can I afford not to do this?”



And that’s how the herd is thinned. Sunrise, sunset. Beautiful.