Going to college usually means ditching the only group of people that actually cares about what gets put into your body—your family. When left to your own devices it's easy to configure eating trends, even if they aren't for the best.

The Thrifty Binge
Suggested For:
-Freshmen
-People who live near the dining hall

Includes:
-300 plates of indistinguishable meat, fried potato, or wet pizza
-8 salads that were constructed with good intentions but never deplete any hunger
-42 threatening glances from dining hall employees who you didn't think heard what you said
-2 unfortunate encounters with the geeky kid you promised to stay friends with at orientation
-1 ultimate realization that you may never eat delicious food again
-1000 unsatisfying shits

The Liquid Diet
Suggested For:
-Frat guys
-People who hate themselves

Includes:
-450 shitty beers
-140 shitty shots
-1 shitty upbringing
-3 classes you could've passed if you didn't get drunk on Wednesdays
-2 parents who don't want you anymore
-12 nights of crying

The Quick Fast
Suggested For:
-That girl who's kind of chubby but still hot because she's funny except she doesn't know it

Includes:
-1 observation of how gross your stomach looks when you're sitting down
-5 Tumblr posts of models with skeletal legs and collarbones
-12 hours of starvation
-1 emotional collapse
-45 minutes of undisturbed binge eating
-8 Tumblr posts about Marilyn Monroe's thighs

The Salad Fiend
Suggested For:
-Newfound "fitness junkies" who will never become not fat

Includes:
-1 reasonable commitment to eating healthier
-94 attempts at tolerating vegetables on your plate
-50,000 forgotten calories from creamy dressings, salty croutons, and other gluttonous salad accessories
-27 discouraging sneeze-guard face-touches
-41 swallowed doubts that the "salad" you're forking is actually healthy
-0 lbs lost

The Vegan
Suggested For:
-Unhealthy-looking hipsters who believe the only untamed beasts that should fuel their bodies are their own radical souls

Includes:
-1 failed attempt at reading Eating Animals
-1 successful viewing of Food Inc.
-350 plates of flavorless grains and unbuttered vegetables
-350 feigned facial indications of dietary satisfaction
-17 unintelligible explanations of the benefits of veganism to soon-to-be former friends
-81 uncomfortably soft poops
-24 embarrassing dinner requests
-10 lies about quitting veganism for your health

The Adder-holic
Suggested For:
-Lowly engineering students

Includes:
-43 pills pilfered from friends with prescriptions
-25 hours of focused, efficient calculus
-100 hours of focused, efficient redditing
-50 uneaten meals from drug induced lack of appetite
-74 shits of inexplicable origin

The Moocher
Suggested For:
-Freshman roommate whose candidacy as a possible best friend was terminated after the first day

Includes:
-1 approved request for some cereal of mine
-4 missing packs of ramen that you claim to not have touched
-1 false sense of camaraderie that won't legitimize your constant longing for my snacks
-2 shelves of my food for you to unabashedly rape when I go home for the weekend
-9 weeks of suppressed anger towards you
-1 sleeve of Oreos that totally won't be poisoned