Fantasy Football was created when a beer commercial writer found a genie and wished for "anything to make my job easier."

— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) August 21, 2012

In Jay-Z's honor the Barclay's Center concession stand will serve the "HOVA burger": Hunmus, Olives, Vinegar and Artichoke. It's disgusting.

— Patrick Cassels (@patrick_cassels) August 22, 2012

I want to write an updated Book of Revelations that ends with God doing an AMA on Reddit.

— Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) August 18, 2012

Did I have to start my Yelp review with the phrase "Hold on to your panties"? No, but I think it helped.

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) August 22, 2012

If I'm super excited about eating dinner, don't ruin it by reminding me I already ate a dinner today. I'm an eagle. Let me soar.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) August 18, 2012

"This guy is such a loser spam bots won't even email him." – How I imagine fights at MIT start

— Dave Rosenberg (@Davey_F_Baby) August 16, 2012

Maybe it's immature that I'm still scared of the monster under my bed, but I don't think I should have to keep sharing a bunk with my uncle.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) August 22, 2012

Grover > Elmo #facts

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) August 20, 2012

I like to think of Olympic Village as a sort of March of the Penguins mating ground for creating elite super humans.

— David Cyr Kerns (@DavidCyrKerns) August 8, 2012

After seeing the nude photos not sure we can call him Prince Hairy anymore…

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) August 22, 2012

I'd drink to my health, but another shot of tequila would just make me puke.

— Jeff Rosie (@JeffRosie) August 23, 2012

When it comes to race, I don't see color. Just black and white. And I hate blacks.

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) August 21, 2012

My little sister's big high school pregnancy test is coming up… so nervous for her, I hope she passes!

— Julie Shain (@juliashain) August 16, 2012

I wanted to make a shirt that said "My mustache isn't 'ironic'" but that's like fighting fire with Arcade Fire.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) August 16, 2012

"Wait, wait, hang on @paulryanvp: you're saying BOTH of us are your main role models?" — Ayn Rand and Jesus, separately

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) August 16, 2012

Whenever you get upset at how many followers you have, remember that Jesus only had 12.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) August 21, 2012