Hung out with my boys today instead of gardening. Bros before hoes.

— Brian Murphy (@chmurph) August 26, 2012

Before it meant lower back tattoo, 'Tramp Stamp' was a cruel and efficient way to deal with hobos.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) August 28, 2012

The ultimate fantasy of fantasy football is that anyone cares about your fantasy football team

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) August 29, 2012

The only cause I can see myself dying for is the pedestrian's right of way.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) August 28, 2012

"Trouble with the Curve" is #ClintEastwood's new movie about the dangers of senior driving, right?

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) August 27, 2012

Why do swag frisbees have that extra lip that makes them bad frisbees? Can't swag frisbees be good frisbees? Many people died in Syria today

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) July 31, 2012

RT if u cry every time u remember there was a time on Earth when men in top hats rode around on pennyfarthings and WE FUCKING MISSED IT.

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) August 28, 2012

Life is what happens if you can escape people doing Bane impressions.

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) August 14, 2012

You don't realize how much responsibility a baby really is until you kidnap your own.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) August 28, 2012

"This truly was…The Jersey Shore." – Last line in Jersey Shore

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) August 30, 2012

who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? was it you? who, me? yes, you! no it was barack obama

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) August 30, 2012

My biggest complaint about iPhones? They don't automatically break when you take high angle kissy face pictures of yourself

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) August 26, 2012

So if I'm setting up a Facebook event for my Mayan apocalypse party, and it wants me to pick an "End Time"………….?

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) August 30, 2012