Location: Farther away from Mom and Dad than you've ever been.

Most students: are awesome!

A typical Friday night: getting totally WASTED and dancing with COLLEGE GIRLS and oh my god this is so much better than driving around in the suburbs with your friends from the Young Environmentalists Club

Classes: International Relations sounds so cool. So does Cognitive Neuroscience. Oh man, you want to study everything.

Extracurriculars: They have a Simpsons watching club! Enough said.

Food: UNLIMITED SOFT SERVE? College is gonna be sick.

Location: Easy Street, where everything is handed to perfect genius students on a silver platter.

Most students: seem kinda arrogant.

A typical Friday night: probably studying and not having a life.

Classes: Don't look that hard. You could have easily gotten in if you'd had a fancy SAT tutor, too.

Extracurriculars: Dumb.

Food: Dumb.

Location: An hour too far to comfortably visit.

Most students: Wanna date your girlfriend.

Extracurriculars: An excuse to try to cozy up to your girlfriend.

A typical Friday night: Going out and hitting on your girlfriend.

Classes: Fine, you think? You usually have a couple other tabs open when she's talking about them on Skype.

Food: Suitable for refueling in between trying to make up all the sex you're not getting regularly.

Location: Close enough that you can't get away with not visiting.

Most students: aren't as fun as the ones at your school.

A typical Friday night: beer pong, but with all the wrong rules.

Food: The same dishes as your college, but everything tastes slightly off.

Classes: He's studying Econ even though you guys had a PACT that you'd both be forensic marine biologists and solve the mysteries of the deep together. Whatever.

Extracurriculars: Not texting you back, apparently.

Location: Suck-town, USA.

Most students: are physically and mentally inferior.

Extracurriculars: Always spiritually in second place, even when they technically beat you.

Classes: Suck.

Food: Sucks.

A typical Friday night: Sucking.

Location: The higher education bubble.

Most students: are weak.

A typical Friday night: Sitting around like idiots instead of partying as hard as you did.

Classes: Liberal arts nonsense. These kids will be woefully unprepared for the harsh realities of the outside world.

Extracurriculars: They have a Glee watching club. Enough said.

Food: Unlimited soft serve? You're gonna be sick.