Your Guide To Late-Night Infomercials

It’s late at night and for whatever reason, you can’t sleep. You try counting sheep, you try chugging NyQuil, you try flipping the pillow over to the “cool” side (Cool side, yeah right. Even the bed spread knows that side is a douche bag) but nothing works. So you turn on the television and venture into the world of late night infomercials, but what do you watch? Fear not, dear reader, for I have compiled a road map to navigate your way through the highway of late night infomercials. Have at it.



Ronco- You know this guy. The old man in the green apron who looks like the Joker, or maybe a version of what Steven Tyler will look like, sans cosmetic surgery, in about 5 years. The only redeeming quality of this infomercial is the fact that you can turn it off. The problem with it is that this guy couldn’t be creepier. Watch this guy when something doesn’t go right. He stutters like the homeless man in the back of the Pace bus. You just know he’s the type of dude who gives kids drugged candy on Halloween. Eight year olds, Dude.



Chef Tony- The Miracle Blade Knife guy. At first it’s cool when he cuts through a can, I’ll give him that. But after the twentieth time he cuts something we start to get it. Those knives cut things. Eventually you start to hope he slips and loses a finger. Just kidding… kind of.









The Urban Rebounder- It’s a fucking trampoline with handles and some douchebag telling you how to use it. Telling you how to use a trampoline. Give me a fucking break. I’d rather turn the TV off and stare at the wall.















The Little Giant Ladder System- I don’t know what it is about this one, but for some reason I can’t turn it off. I even watch this one during the day while other shows that I like are in. Maybe it’s the fact that they feature a professional tool evaluator endorsing the ladder. Maybe it’s the multitude of tasks the ladder can accomplish. Maybe it’s the fact that Al Borlin is still alive, as I had been wondering about that. Now, whatever happened to Mr. Belvedere and Rick Moranis?





Oxi Clean- This may be a great product, in fact I’m sure it’s awesome. However, I can not focus on anything but this guy’s beard. What a beard. Billy Mays, the bearded spokesman, wears his facial hair in a way that is normally reserved for perverts. Big time perverts.











Girls Gone Wild- There are two types of guys that videotape parties. There is the nostalgic yearbook type guy who is going to look back on it with fond memories one day when he shows his kids that actually had friends in college. Then there is this creep, Joe Francis, founder of Girls Gone Wild. His concept is novel enough, and I may just be jealous that I didn’t think of it first, but I think he has convinced himself that these girls are showing him their boobs because he’s cool, not because many drunk girls love getting free things and love getting naked. You are not cool Joe, and I’m surprised one of these girls’ Dads hasn’t kicked your ass by now. Plus side: you can beat off to it…I heard.





Wild Party Girls- This is Girls Gone Wild’s redneck cousin with the same concept, different name, and slightly trashier girls. When these girls are about to flash some boobies they don’t call their Dad, they call their parole officer.















Rascal Motorized Scooters- I understand that these are necessary for people with mobility problems, and for their purpose they seem to work well. My only problem with these things is that they have the audacity to call them fun. Fun? These are not fun, they are a life sentence of not walking. They may be fun for a minute or two, but they probably become a lot less fun when you are bound to one as your only means of transportation.





The Gazelle- Decent work out but Tony Little is so weird and bike pants are never OK. Really hard to watch





















Tony Robbins- Tony Robbins’ ideas only worked once, and they only work for Tony Robbins. And he has obnoxiously big hands.



















Natural Cures with Kevin Trudeau- This guy is not going to stop until he kills someone. Recently, Kevin said that changing the acidity levels in your body can cure terminal cancer. However, a MEDICAL DOCTOR told him that changing the acidity levels in your body can make you very sick and even kill you. Kevin said he was stunned. This asshole shouldn’t be allowed to buy airtime.



So that’s my list and if you are wondering why there aren’t any hair replacement infomercials on here, it’s because some day soon I’m going to be in one.