You're a college senior. You feel good. Your time in college has been enjoyable and fruitful. You've met some girls. You've drunk some beers. Hell, you've even squeezed in a class here and there. Alas, the "real world" is fast approaching. But not to worry. Here is a primer on what the first decade of your post-collegiate life may hold in store for you. Enjoy.



YEAR ONE OUT OF SCHOOL:

Things are looking good. That internship you had with Xerox has led to a fulltime job. Unfortunately, that job involves being ordered around by some middle-aged asshole with unfortunate acne scaring. But things are pretty cool. You've got a sweet pad with a couple of dudes from school, including your dealer. Sweet! Your Tri Delt girlfriend is still a year from graduation, and things can only look up.


YEAR TWO OUT OF SCHOOL:

You're still working at Xerox, only now most of your day involves imagining what it would feel like to take a co-workers life. You've recently moved in with your girlfriend, who apparently doesn't enjoy smoking weed and playing X-box every night. Not to worry. She'll learn.


YEAR THREE OUT OF SCHOOL:

She doesn't learn. She breaks-up with you, smartly deleting all the naked pictures you took of her from your computer. No worries. Bros before ho's anyway, except all your bros have moved out of town to go to grad school, get a job, raise their older girlfriend's seven-year-old daughter Chloe. You've got a pretty healthy weed habit by now, but nothing to worry about.


YEAR FOUR OUT OF SCHOOL:

Your weed habit is something to worry about. You try to go cold turkey, but take up drinking lots and lots of gin in the interim. After getting yelled at one day over the font you chose for an office memo on paper width, you quit. And by quit I mean you take a picture of your boss shitting and e-mail to every employee in the company. Your reference letter is less than kind.


YEAR FIVE OUT OF SCHOOL:

You need work, you like to drink, so there is only one option. You go to bartending school, draining your life savings ($455.08) before realizing that the only qualifications you need for a bartending job are a healthy rack and a wiliness to wear a tube top with no bra. You posses neither of these attributes. You remain unemployed.


YEAR SIX OUT OF SCHOOL:

You come into some money when your grandma Pearle passes away. Just what you needed. An influx of cash. You're getting ready to pay rent when, oops, you blow the inheritance on a crazy weekend in Vegas with a couple of hookers and a bunch of blow.


YEAR SEVEN OUT OF SCHOOL:

Your friends grow concerned with your drinking and drug habits. They hold an intervention, but bring beers along. You all get drunk and end up buying a bunch of blow.


YEAR EIGHT OUT OF SCHOOL:

You get arrested for selling weed to a cop at a Leftover Salmon concert your little brother dragged you to. End up serving six months in a Wisconsin jail, where you flirt with the idea of finding Jesus before settling into reading all the Harry Potter books.


YEAR NINE OUT OF SCHOOL:

You're a free man. The sky's the limit. You get a job at Kinko's. You meet a girl. She's really pretty and smart. She even likes to cook. Unfortunately you slip up, get drunk and cheat on her with a transsexual hooker you met on MySpace" a couple of times…a month. She does not take the news well.


YEAR TEN OUT OF SCHOOL:

You buy a dog. This is going to be good. Dogs help people cheer up. Randy, your boss at Kinko's, says you are management material. You flirt with a cute indie chick who comes in regularly to make copies, although she could be a boy. It's hard to tell. Starting to feel like an adult. Can finally eat more than ketchup and white bread for dinner. Yes sir, things are looking up" and there's always grad school.


So there you have it. That wasn't so bad. You met some nice people. Learned a thing or two about life. You're still young and in the prime of your life, ready to tackle whatever life has in store for you" from your parent's basement.