Each winter, I journey across the country via an economy class air carrier to the great city of Denver, Colorado. I then venture on a heated, door to door express van service through the magnificent yet treacherous Rocky Mountains, where many a man has seen his fate. After a short nap and a light refreshment service, I reach a little known outpost with some excellent skiing known as Vail.



During the mid 1990s, my sister's father-in-law made a small fortune providing legal counsel to very rich people. With his new found wealth, he purchased his family a modest 20,000 square foot château in these outback ski hills. Each season, I am joined here by my younger brother and older sister; her husband and his Vail ski condo owning parents; my own parents who are scared of sports that involve "'moving around fast;' a warren of in-laws ranging in age from several months to pretty old; and an even larger pack of in-in laws, or in-laws of in-laws, who could otherwise be described as, "People I don't know."



The skiing is excellent but the withdrawal from pretending to study can leave me wanting more. So I have developed the following Family Vacation Olympic Events to help pass the time while you're away from your horrifying yet impressive dorm room porn collection. Try them next time you visit your Vail Winter home.



.25k Piping Hot Chocolate/Oatmeal Raisin Run: Run the quarter kilometer back to the condo after you convince the concierge at the DoubleTree Hotel to give you the cocoa and cookies they offer their guests.



Scene Maker: A no-holds-barred grudge match where any means necessary is used to get your dad to purchase you $100 snowboarding gloves.



I Don't Have A Name for This One: The event where you buy a nose hair trimmer in the airport.



Condo Rummikub: Your mother and sister prefer excellent weather for this sport, but are only allowed to begin once the bagel and lox platters meet the correct specifications.



Snow Covered Rock Throw: Made popular by your brother-in-law's brother-in-law, who really doesn't know where to draw the line.



Sock Full of Snow: Competitors see how long they can walk around with their socks full of snow.



Vail Village Acid Trip: Leave the house in your bathrobe, try and make out with bus drivers, eat a living squirrel, proclaim yourself Lord of The Footbridge and attempt to collect fees from anyone who crosses, pee in your mouth, cry uncontrollably, collect meaningful pinecones, and eat chapstick.



Steam Room Endurance: Try maintain a conversation about law school with your brother-in-law's father whose exposed testicles are larger than his feet.



100 Meter Sister-in-Law Hot Tub Dash: Hide your boner after hitting on through-marriage family members while getting out of the Jacuzzi.



Uphill Telemark Bootless Skiing with Hurdles: The contest where you attempt to not think about your sister-in-law while masturbating in the loft above your family eating dinner.



Snow Golf: The classic game of snow but with golf instead.



Yehuda Sledding: Like regular sledding but with your little brother instead of a red plastic thing.



Fucking Around with Ski Poles: Traditionally played with your brother while waiting to rent skis; this event quickly gets out of hand.



Abominable Snow Man Sibling: Push him into a snowmaking machine then call him fat.



Really Angry Brotherathalon: Spanning two days, your brother must ski into you, shove your face in the snow, try to feed you a hand warmer, steal your Nature Valley Granola Bar, catch you in the loft during dinner and cry hysterically, blame you for his poor academic performance and lack of success with women, and spend the rest of vacation with your brother-in-laws' brother-in-law.