Getting to Know My Neighbors

UGLY CHICKS ACROSS THE STREET

Me:  Hey! Whores-R-Us, shut the fuck up!

Them:  Mind your own business.

Me:  That’s what I’ve been trying to do, but you guys decided it was a good time to start a Lil’ Jon sing-along and show everyone your I-don’t-live-with-daddy-anymore-I-can-do-whatever-I-want wild side.

Them:  So…

Me:  So you’re fucking annoying.  You sound like you’re getting raped up the ass by the Eastside Boys.

Them:  You would know.

Me:  That strobe light isn’t helping either.  You could at least shut your door.

Them:  Hey, we like to party.  I’m sorry if you feel bad because you don’t know how to have a good time.

Me:  It’s fucking Monday.  And aren’t you cunts Mormon?  I don’t think God or Joseph Smith or whoever would be very happy with those lyrics.

Them:  Please don’t use God’s name in vain.

Me:  I didn’t.

Them:  Well… we’re not gonna turn anything off.

Me:  Your muffin top already did.

Them:  Funny.

Me:  Listen, I’d be happy to come over there and curb stomp all of you, if that’ll help.

Them:  Yeah actually, it would.

Me:  Great.

Them:  Great.

Me:  Fine.

(back into my apartment)

Them:  What a Sour Sally.

(several minutes later)

flaming bible shatters their front window

HOT CHICKS DOWNSTAIRS

(I knock on their door)

Them:  Yes?

Me:  Hey Candace.  Are you guys alright?  Sounded like someone got hurt earlier.

Them:  No, we’re fine.  We just had a few glasses of wine and Megan put on an old CD.

Me:  Macarena?

Them:  No, I think it’s Now That’s What I Call Music.

Me:  Two?

Them:  Three or Four.  Can’t remember which.

Me:  Oh.

(roommate is dancing in background)

Me:  Nice moves Megan.

Them:  …You’re creepy.

Me:  (to myself) You’re hot.

Me:  …Alrighty, I gotta run.  Keep that music under control, Rock N Roll is dangerous.

Them:  Riiight.

Me:  (walking away, to myself) What the fuck just happened?