College Pets

Hello readers, I was going to write a long humorous introduction about how college students aren’t responsible enough to own pets, but I ended up getting drunk and urinating in the stairwell of my dorm, thus proving my own point. Nonetheless some college students do own pets. I bet you’re now wondering, “Joe, what kinda of pets would a college student have? Could you please make a list?” Of course I can, and I will make it witty.



Dog: Dogs require constant attention and care, but they are cute and fun to pet. They are like your girlfriend except they are also loyal and smart. Puppies are fun because you can take them to the park and they practically get girls’ phone numbers for you, they are kinda like guitars except you have to feed them and you don’t have to be a douche to take them out in public.



Goldfish: Goldfish are kinda lame, that’s why they cost like $.09 at Wal-Mart. If you own one of these don’t flaunt it because you know your friend Ricky is gonna get drunk and swallow it like he’s rushing a sorority.



Gerbil: You might as well just name it Lemiwinks and shove it up your ass because that’s what all your friends are gonna assume you got it for anyway.



Cats: Unless you like having boxes of shit all around your house, don’t get a cat. But since you’re in acollege and your house is probably more or less a box of shit in the first place, you probably won’t notice. Cats are good for one purpose, setting on fire” I’m lying. According to the movie Tom and Huck, cats get rid of warts. If you have warts you should collect as many cats as you can and give them names like Tinkerbell and Captain Litterbox, and give out unwrapped candy on Halloween. When kids accidentally hit their ball into your yard they’ll be too scared to go get it, because the only real reason to have cats is to make sure everyone knows you’re crazy.



Crocodile: Crocodiles are actually quite good pets if you know their secret: much like JonBenet Ramsay, they can’t open their mouth if you hold it closed. They are easy to take care of too. You just have to toss them a side of beef every couple of days and they pretty much take care of themselves, and anyone who walks through your backyard. Just don’t flush them down the toilet because then they turn into urban legends.



Snake: Snakes are cool because they eat mice and can kill you, if you let them. P.S. If you can talk to your snake, you are the heir to the throne of Slytherin and Harry Potter is going to kill you. Wow, now that everyone knows I’m a looser, who’s down for some Dungeons & Dragons?



Rabbit: These things are goddamn adorable. If you like hot chicks to be all over you, get a rabbit, maybe some celery, and girls will literally throw their vaginas at you. These things should come with caution stickers and a Surgeon Generals warning. Trust me, it works better than an Axe commercial.



Bird: Like your little brother, birds talk back, however unlike a bird you can’t feed your little brother to your cat when it gets annoying, unless you own a lion.



A stoner roommate: What sets humans apart from animals is our ability to reason. Considering that your roommate asks you how to break up change for the pizza man I think we can bring him down a category.