Blake at the Movies: "Stoned"

Sup, yo? My name’s Blake and CollegeHumor tapped me to be their newest movie reviewer. Some quick background info: I’m 20, I’m a Zeta but I don’t live in the house yet, I’m single (ladies) and I love movies. Besides being great to get girls back to your pad, movies are actually pretty cool to watch sometimes too and now that I’m a big time reviewer I get invited to screenings. I went to check out this flick “‘Stoned’ the other day and now I’m gonna tell y’all what it’s about, you lucky bastards.

Plot: Aight, so this movie is about this dude Brian Jones who started the Rolling Stones. He got booted from the band and ended up turning into a total drugged out psycho. He started acting like one of those Asian kids who never leave their dorm except that his dorm was a huge mansion with a pool and all these hot chicks always walking around naked. He hires this carpenter guy to do some work on the place but they end up just getting fucked up together. Shit comes to shit and he ends up floating dead in his pool. I aint gonna tell you how it went down because I’m not a douche like that.



Blake-lights: Dude, I aint gonna lie to you, I love chicks and this movie has a shitload. And the best part about it that these girls spend more time naked than they do with clothes on. It’s like watching a fucking Zeta Slutty Santa party, and we all know how fucking wild those get. But yo, I like other shit too. As gay as it sounds – and I know Beandog is gonna rag on me for this – the acting is pretty tight. Plus, there are some crazy intense scenes that reminded me of “‘Gladiator.’. Now, I don’t mess with drugs cuz that would get in the way of my lifting schedule, but if you like drugs you won’t be left wanting in this movie. Brian Jones did just about every drug under the sun but the difference between you and him is that he did them with foxy bitches on both arms.



Snacks: This is a tough call cuz the snack a man eats is a very personal choice, but I would go with a small popcorn (no butter) and a few protein bars. You never want to sit for more than two hours without taking in some amino acids and essential proteins.



Chick Movie?: Nah, but if your girl’s a freak she might get all turned on by some of the kinky-ass sex going down.



Best Line: “Are you not entertained?!” Doesn’t matter if it wasn’t from this movie, “‘Gladiator’ was fucking intense. I watched it with some of the Zeta bros the other day and we got so pumped up that we just started trashing the room. Crazy.



Blake, should I see it?: Lemme think about this. Titties? Check. Rock n’ Roll? Check. Fighting? Check. Sex and drugs? Check. So yeah, I’d say this is a solid flick but watch out, you kind of have to pay attention to get the full story. That’s what those protein bars should help you do.